2013 - the year in review

1.       Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I never make NY resolutions as it’s pointless, never keep ‘em. I do however have some wishes for the year ahead but that’s another story

2.  Did anyone close to you give birth?
My ex dawg, Lulu had a puppy litter hehe

3.  Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, my dear uncle Fred L

4.  What countries did you visit?
In books quite a few, in actual reality, SA only

5. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
Perfect health

6.  What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Just getting on with each and every day and trying not to lose faith that this too shall pass.

7.  What was your biggest failure?
2 failed relationships. Having to concede that I can no longer afford the big house with pool and picket fence – therefore simplified my life by moving to Southern suburbs to a smaller place. Not a failure as such more a sideways sensible move.

8.  What was the best thing you bought?
My laptop, a tablet for Rhi J - oooh and my lovely new car Hyundai i20

9.  Whose behavior merited celebration?
Rhiannon’s – against all odds passing from Gr 5 to Gr 6 even with the challenge of changing schools mid year due to our moving house and suburb.

10.  Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Our dear government – no surprise there. Also a few of my so-called friends who are now nowhere to be seen  / heard. No names, no pack drill.

11.  Where did most of your money go?
Medical expenses

12.  What did you get really excited about?
The prospect of my health being revived through alternate treatments as well as some of the less medical but more spiritual work I did to combat my dis-ease.

13.  What song will always remind you of 2013?

None really resonates

14.  Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?

A little sadder but a lot wiser and less naive.

15.  Thinner or fatter?
Thinner but not in a good way – need to pick up weight again- lost due to ill health

16.  Richer or poorer?
Richer for a change

17.  What do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing my blog and book

18.  What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying about crap that I have no control over. Worrying about my health. Worrying about stupid failed relationships that should not have started in the first place.

19.  How did you spend Christmas?
We had a great little Christmas with our immediate family.

20.  Did you fall in love in 2013?
Nope

21.  What was your favorite TV program?
Still Grey’s Anatomy

22.  Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I try NOT to hate, sometimes it’s hard. I dislike intensely some people that have hurt me really badly

23.  What was the best book you read?
Between Mother and Child – Elizabeth Noble

24.  What was your greatest musical discovery?
No new music – rediscovered some great oldies though J

25.  What did you want and get?
A fair outcome at my place of work – a financial windfall that I doubted would materialize. Also my lovely new Hyundai i20 (car)

26.  What did you want and not get?
To get better this year L

27.  What were your favorite films of this year

Watched too many but none really stand out as classics

28.  What did you do on your birthday?
Went to dinner at a lovely restaurant with some friends

29.  How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
WHAHAHAHA – have none – own personal style which no one else likes or understands

30.  What kept you sane?
Family and friends, the internet

31.  Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

None – do people actually answer this??

32.  What political issue stirred you the most?
Our government is a joke – not stirred so much as appalled and bemused

33.  Who did you miss?
Eric – always. My friend Mark who died a while ago. Friends who seem to have deserted me.

34.  Who was the best new person you met?
Barry du Plooy J

35.  Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013?
Forgiveness is key to healing

36.  Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
’till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

(Fleetwood Mac – Landslide)

For those of you wondering how I am

In a nutshell: crap. I have suffered through 3 weeks of pain so far with little or no abating. I’ve been living on Schedule 6 painkillers as well as Durogesic high dosage painkiller patches which seem to do little or nothing to stop the pain. Translated – I have about 4 good hours a day and the rest is pain. I have been nearly unable to do much even so much as get out of bed or walk out the door to drive to the shop. Walking itself has become painful. So in a last ditch endeavour I phoned the oncologist to see what can be done. She admitted me to hospital in order to ‘break the pain cycle’. I have been given intravenous morphine which helped for a bit but then again my pain seemed to laugh at that and eventually it didn’t work either. The only real relief comes from Pethedine injection which helps for 4 hours, puts me on a pink fluffly cloud but then dumps me back into pain-filled reality once again. I’ve now been in hospital 3 days. Today is the 4^th. Yesterday I had a tantrum with the nurses as my hand was starting to swell up due to the IV coming out of position. They are almost never able to get the IV right with me as ‘my veins are too small and knotted’. Their problem, not mine. Last night I told them to remove the IV and never put it back, change the meds to whatever else but not that. 

Today I saw my original oncologist Dr Nice (not her real name J). She has recommended a host of oral drugs including morphine. She’s also going to call for blood tests to check for infection and kidney function. The kidney function check is to see if I can now tolerate chemotherapy or not. I am still undecided if that is the way I want to go. ALL I know now is I want the pain to stop. It’s debilitating, depressing and downright nasty.

Emotionally I have been a bit of a train wreck too. Thank God for my lovely and supportive family who have all stepped in to help me with household tasks, Rhiannon and just general day to day stuff. Also am extremely blessed that Rhiannon has a teacher at her school who’s daughter is friends with Rhiannon and she is letting her stay there to study for exams  - her daughter is also ADD and on Ritalin. She is a blessing and I don’t know how to begin thanking her. My daughter sounds very happy there even though she obviously is missing me.

I am due to get out of hospital on Tuesday – hopefully I will be if not totally  pain-free at least able to function and the pain will be under control.

I have been having really dark thoughts about everyone who is healthy. I am jealous, angry, having small tantrums in my head at all the ‘shiny, happy people’ especially on Facebook who’s lives seem to be but a dream but rationally I know I cannot compare myself to them. Some friends have been supportive, some have disappeared completely, which I am angry about but I cannot tell what I would have done if the situation was reversed. Some people know what to say and others are completely tactless. That’s just the way it is I guess. Hopefully there is light at the end of this very dark tunnel and maybe the saying that it’s always darkest just before the dawn will ring true in my case. I really hope and pray so. 

Pre Birthday Musings

So I here I sit on the eve of my (number deleted to protect the innocent) birthday. Reflecting on the past year and wondering about the foreseeable future. Quite a bit has changed. Last year this time I was living in Kenridge with my then boyfriend. I was employed as a project manager. I had been in the northern suburbs of Cape Town for nearly ten years and most importantly I was in remission from cancer, not just my first but my second remission. Was I happy? I think I was. Did I appreciate all I had? Probably not.

On the night of my birthday last year things fell apart spectacularly with aforementioned boyfriend at a birthday celebration for both of us. We ended up having such a massive fight that even our friends decided to part company for fear of being caught in the crossfire. When we returned home, he continued to rant while I calmly locked myself and my daughter in my bedroom. A few days after this, I discovered he’d been lying to me about a lot of things and he moved out. It was horrible. Hurtful, messy, childish and just plain ugly. He left without any explanation, closure or words of apology. I am ashamed to admit I hounded him for a bit afterward as all I wanted was closure and to know if it had ALL been a lie. Looking back now I realize he was incapable of telling the truth so I was expecting the impossible from an emotionally immature person. He left me emotionally and financially drained. My trust in men and human beings in general was at an all time low. 

Just prior to this I had a scare with a kidney infection. This caused a chain reaction of a battery of tests that I had to endure. Tests to confirm whether or not this was cancer related. Needless to say I was petrified. Having had cancer not once but twice, a hysterectomy and radiation, I was not prepared to go through this particular horror once again. At the same time the ex left, I had just come out of hospital for a kidney stent operation. This was due to damage caused by the radiation previously. The test to show the awful truth that yes I did in fact have cancer for a third time was only done in February this year. So last time this year, aside from being mildly and understandably paranoid, I was oblivious to this fact.

Cut to the present. Tomorrow night I will be surrounded by family and friends for yet another birthday dinner. Tonight however I am alone. My daughter is at her dad’s for the weekend. We have moved to the southern suburbs. My cancer is… hmm I am not sure really. I've been in an out of hospital for infections and operations, the last one being about 3 weeks ago. I have been on alternate medication for a few months now as chemo (the one dose I had) did not agree with me to put it mildly. To put it honestly it nearly killed me. I am single by choice as I have no place in my life right now for anything other than my health and my daughter. I am no longer working as my contract was terminated due to ill health. I will be having a scan soon to ascertain whether the regimen I am on is working or not. A positive result would be my best birthday present ever. Life a year down the line is very different to what it was. I no longer drink, in fact it’s been about 6 months since I have had a glass of wine. Ongoing sobriety is a challenge but the clarity it provides is priceless.

So, tomorrow night Queen Bee shall be in da house. Tonight it’s just me and my grapetiser but strangely I am happy with that for now. Solitude has its own upside and is definitely worlds better than being lonely in a relationship with the wrong person. I am stronger and better than before and to quote a mantra I’ve been using: Every day in every way I’m getting better and better!

Back from the edge

OK it's been nearly two months since my last post but a lot has been happening. Since the last Bertha there have been many developments.

Bertha 1 was removed as they were going to stent the left pipe. That didn't work so after a few weeks I saw a new urologist (Dr Caring) who we love. He recommended a 2nd Bertha as an interim solution before major kidney op. I am not going into detail here for fear on chasing all (ok all 3) of my readers away screaming in horror. Suffice to say - the op took 3 hours, I was in hospital for 2 weeks and high care for 3 days. Once again, Panorama and their staff were amazing. The  upside of this op means that I get to not die from acute renal failure and risk of infection is much reduced.

In between all of this (as I am clearly totally insane) I decided to move house closer to the Southern Suburbs. There were many reasons for the move, financial and being closer to friends and family being but  a few. My family were amazing and really just sorted out everything without me so much as packing a box. So now most of my stuff is in storage and I am living in a smaller place in Pinelands. I have simplified my life i.e. no pets, garden or pool maintenance to worry about. Rhiannon is ecstatic about moving and admitted to not being all that happy in Durbanville! So here I've been angsting over changing school and I really did not need to. In addition to moving house, I also managed to hit rock bottom with depression. Thankfully I got help in the form of an army of docs and buckets of drugs. :)

One of the other reasons for the op is so that once kidney function has been restored I can then  have chemo. Hmm - still not decided on that. I have been on the alternate meds now for about 2 months and I can honestly say I am feeling much better. My decision process will be based on going to have a scan soon at oncologist to see if the meds have reduced the tumour or not. If not, I will then have to decide about chemo.

I cannot begin to describe to you how much better I feel now that I've moved and post op. I was able to start driving again late last week and that was so cool. I realised how depressed an environment which you are not happy in can make you. The house I was in was literally killing me as a result of bad memories and trapped bad energy. The house was cold ALL the time. I am in such a better place now both literally and metaphorically and cannot thank my best friend enough for allowing me to rent from her.

So in conclusion all is well so far. I will keep you updated on my journey hopefully more regularly now as  I am back and up and running on the 'interwebs.' :D

I am back

Yes this is a tiny bit of a cop out of a blog post. Just to let you know I am still here, alive and well, but shall post update later today.

Me and Bertha

Remember that song me and Bobby McGee? Well I have a variation on that now. Me and Bertha my bag. Sigh. Don’t mean to be gross but let’s back track shall we. I went in to hospital (Panorama Mediclinic, awesome hospital!) on Monday for a kidney procedure to have the left side drained to try to clear blockage. This is all in aid of improving kidney function so I can continue with treatment. So had the procedure done. The hospital and staff were absolutely amazing and awesome. I never want to go to any other hospital again. They were truly wonderful. I was discharged on Tuesday morning with an attachment – a drain from the kidney pipe. The doc says I need to keep this on till next Wednesday when I see him again. He will then measure creatine levels and schedule a stent operation for left side kidney. I am feeling good on the whole. The pain I had when I went into hospital was awful but that has now subsided and any pain I do experience is manageable with painkillers. So for now it’s me and Bertha the bag. 

Hall of Mirrors

Sometimes this journey is like a hall of mirrors with different things behind each door. Ooh look behind door one we have tadaaa – blood transfusion. Next fun door is yaaay – blood tests. And that next one over there wow – we have e-coli! Yaaay. Sigh. I just feel like nothing is simple at the moment. Can’t I just get treated for this disease without all the added complications? It’s like playing musical chairs, when the music stops, we have another obstacle to face before we can get to the treatment. So I have had quite a time of it – been in hospital again for a blood transfusion this time because my blood count was too low for treatment. Then when I got out of hospital discovered that I had an infection, again so have to be treated for that. Then kidney function not good enough, so guess what BACK to hospital again on Monday for a procedure to treat that. I feel like a 2^nd hand car with all my bits falling out. So Monday I go into hospital again then we see what happens next i.e. if kidney function improves what route do we follow. A friend of mine is sourcing THC oil for me and I am very keen to try that. I am still positive just a little tired of all the obstacles. On the up side my company has declared me a remote worker for the time of my treatment. This is a huge weight off my shoulders. I can do my job but not have to stress about going into the office every day. I am very grateful to them for all their support. Keep you all posted. 

On the Road to Recovery

Last night I went for another scan with my alternate healer and was corrected with the name. It’s not RIFE (that’s the machine that I am using for treatment), however the scan is called ETA. See my hyperlink for further details on that. Anyway the scan showed VERY positive results and improvement in all areas so all this means that I am doing (combination thereof) is working! Small happy dance. J

Today was supposed to be chemo day but my oncology doc is being very cautious. My HG (haemoglobin) count was 1.8 below what it should be so I am being booked in today to hospital for a blood transfusion. Chemo will then be postponed until next week Tuesday. I am VERY happy with the doctor’s approach and she is very satisfied with all my symptom reduction and progress so far. I am now quietly confident that all will be well. So it’s off to hospital for me at 3pm today but not fussed, this is just another tool, part of the process. Last time after transfusion I felt wonderful so hope to feel the same this time, even though I am not feeling bad at all – no tiredness etc.

I also 'test drove’ the wig today out in public to a hugely positive reaction – winner! 

So far so good everyone – so please keep up the positive messages, vibrations, prayers etc. They are definitely working and helping! J

Angel Card Reading I received today

If you are in anyway averse to 'shoowaah' hippy stuff then please look away now. For those of you interested here is my card reading I receive weekly. This one is particularly pertinent to me and my situation so I thought I would share it. 

The Eyes of Beauty 

 Positive expectations, clarity

Drawn from: Wisdom of the Hidden Realms - Colette Baron-Reid

The Eyes of Beauty require you to examine your perceptions. Do you see the world as perfect and beautiful? Can you retrace your steps from your past to now and see the perfection in the way reality has been created?

Truly, perception is everything.

A glass half-empty is the same asa glass half-full, yet so different according to how it's perceived.

The Eyes of Beauty remind youthat if you move forward with conviction, all is well now and always will be.You will see true prosperity as a result.

Expect to see beauty and you willattract your highest good.

Affirmation: I AM pure potential!Today I step out of my comfort zone into my possibility zone.

Kynite 

Inner Bridges - Storm Element

Drawn from: The Crystal AllyCards - Naisha Ahsian

Kyanite has come to you to aidyou in making those inner and outer connections that are necessary for yourdevelopment.

Perhaps a new relationship or opportunity is moving your way which will aid you on your path. Or perhaps you are being asked to "make the connection" between disparate aspects of your life.

All events and circumstances in our lives are a silent dance that the Universe orchestrates for our highest good. Every coincidence or happenstance is actually a carefully planned event that connects you to your next level of learning. Beneath every event and circumstance is the hand of the Divine, co-creating with you in your life.

Kyanite is sending you a messagethat the obstacles that you see on your path will soon be overcome. New bridgeswill be built that will carry you over difficulty, and will allow you toperceive your connection to the Divine

Affirmation: The Universe isworking to connect me with my highest good.

 Energy Work 

Life can be electrifying becauseits very essence is energy. Your body is a remarkable energy field that willpositively respond to loving treatments. Your hands and heart are activated togive healing energy to your loved ones and clients.

Drawn from: Daily Guidance from your Angels Oracle Cards - Doreen Virtue

 You received this card because the Angels say you would benefit from energy work, such as Reiki, the Journey or Angel Healing. You can find a qualified practitioner by contacting About Holistic Website.

The Angels suggest that you initiate a session where you'd receive an energy healing treatment.

This card can also signify the Angels' message that your life purpose involves giving energy healing work to others. If you have training in this respect, or you've been guided to seek such training, this card is a sign that you would excel in this area,

Clear the energy in your home or other environments. You're very sensitive to energy, so regularly clear yourself of any energy you may have absorbed. Shield yourself by visualizing yourself surrounded by protective white and purple light. Take courses on energy healing work.

Affirmation: I am standing in the pure white light of God; I am free of all negative energy surrounding me

Gotta wear shades

So it’s the Sunday before blood test Monday and chemo Tuesday. I have mixed feelings vacillating between quiet confidence and utter panic. The chemo side effects were worsened about 100x last time due to the infection I had. I am HOPING this time it won’t be so bad and I won’t get an infection. The past week I have gradually started feeling better and better. The good news is that I am almost symptom free. My pain levels are almost nonexistent and if I do have pain it is manageable with Panado so very low level. I have received 2 supplements which I ordered online called Graviola (supposed to eat cancer cells) and Moringa (an anti-oxidant and immune booster). I have been taking these recently and also doing my Rife treatments which are also immune boosting. With all of this as armour I am hoping that the chemo will NOT affect me so badly. It feels SO good to feel good and healthy. I’ve also chopped most of my hair off as it was beginning to fall out. Soon I will be rocking the bald look or wigs – am going wig shopping with my dear friend and stylist tomorrow.

Right now the future looks so bright I’m  gonna wear my shades! J

Happy Go Lucky Bee

Just realised I usually only blog when I have something to moan about. So today I am going to break that mold. I have absolutely not one complaint today. Today everything is good. I have no pain. I feel fantastic. My spirits are high. I had a very, very good day. Today was also basically my last day of ‘loafing about’. I have officially been booked off for the week but I am SUCH a nerd I phoned my boss and asked her if I could work from home from tomorrow for the rest of the week. So to celebrate I took my parents and daughter out to lunch at Nitida wine farm. It was completely divine and relaxing. Still not done celebrating I then went shopping for some home décor stuff (moving in June to a lovely new home), then home to makeover my daughter’s room. The room now looks completely awesome and I realized I have missed my calling. Should bloody well be decorating or writing or a combination of the two. Hehe. Total dreaming of course as a change in career at this late stage in life might well be career suicide. Sigh. Maybe I shall just start a little on the side business whilst I continue with my project management career day job. That’s it from me today folks. Hope you all have a good and restful evening. And no it’s not the drugs talking! J

Paper Bag

Right so I was re-admitted to hospital on Friday feeling like an absolute paper bag, wash out, heroin junkie, just in general really, really bad. I looked worse than I felt if that could possibly be imagined. My dear dad drove me to the hospital – I was wheeled into admissions and the irritating poppie robot behind the desk started filling in her million forms in triplicate then actually looked at me and in a sickly sweet, poppie,  saccharine voice said “Oh lovey do you want to go to the ward NOW?” No darling what I would really like to do is punch you in the face but that’s not gonna happen now is it? I’m just sitting here  doubled over in pain and having a major panic attack but I’ll be just peachy – thanks, let’s do lunch. And maybe I showed her the universal call me symbol. What I actually said was GRUNT or words to that effect. So I was allowed to go to the ward – oh joy.

I had to wait for the nurses to do their dance of admission, tests, paperwork etc etc before being told that the doctor would see me to prescribe something at 3pm. I was admitted at 1pm. Long, long interminably long wait. Eventually saw dear Doctor Sweet who pronounced that I had e coli and needed to be treated accordingly. Great, Houston – we have a plan. She piled me with all manner of drugs including tranqs, anti biotics, pain killers etc, a veritable smorgasbord. Felt a lot better (cloudy / fuzzy) after that, still the weak and fuzzy feeling remained, very unpleasant. Doc told me I had to stay in hospital till Monday, then be off work for another week and then come back the week after that for second chemo cycle. I kinda wondered where I was going to have time to fit work into this busy regime. Doc took care of that by phoning my place of work to explain the recent turn of events to my dear colleague. I was then literally hooked up to an IV after several unsuccessful botched attempts to find a vein. Suffice to say I have bruises in places now that are not pretty.

 I settled into my ward with my roomies mostly older woman but all fairly pleasant and chatty. I was in no mood to win friends and influence people however. Stayed in hospital for 3 days, the highlight of which was a particularly raucous visit from 10 friends and family on Saturday. This prompted a rather angrily worded sign on the door shouting ONLY 2 VISITORS PER BED! Oops. 

On Sunday I started feeling semi human again thank God and was discharged much to my great delight. I am now booked off with strict instructions to take it easy at home till Friday. Then next Tuesday the 2^nd chemo cycle begins. According to docs, this should be easier as my blood count is good and infection will be cleared up. We shall see.

I am now at home and feeling WORLDS better. My doctor was frankly amazed at my rapid recovery! I am in 3 minds about doing chemo again but am pondering and will let you all know.

Chemo Kicking Ass

OK to say the side effects have kicked my ass is literally an understatement. They started on Thursday, On Sunday I was admitted to hospital as I was having delirium tremens, hot and cold and just generally feeling weak and revolting. They discharged me on Tuesday but I am booked off till Friday with strict instructions to rest and take it easy. So I am trying to do that without driving myself mad from boredom and sleep overload. Anyone who has any words of wisdom NOW would be the time to share please.

On the good news side, my blood count is good and my kidney function is vastly improved from just 1 treatment.

Super Woman - 1 Chemo down 5 to go!

Yesterday was my first chemo treatment day. I was filled with mixed emotions ranging from apprehension to fear etc. The night before I had a Rife scan and this showed that on a cell level my body is in a very good state for healing. Blood also looked good according to the scan so that was good news. I am continuing with the Rife treatments to support me through the chemo in terms of support to immune system etc . so that seems to be working very well!  

So the morning arrived and first thing to do was to get blood tests done. My appointment with my doctor was for 10h30. She examined me and pronounced all was well from that. The blood tests arrived and all looked good for blood counts. So in I went to the chemo room for first treatment. The drug they are using in Taxotere and I received a pamphlet with it as to what to expect, also some meds to help me with nausea – not cheap these either approx. R600 for 3 tabs!! The treatment is intravenous and took about 1hr and 45 minutes to complete during which time I was chatting on gmail and facebook on my phone and reading a book. The one thing I forgot about which happened last time was that once they put the 2^nd bag on which is basically saline to flush the drugs through your system, your bladder wants to work immediately and a lot. Due to my current bladder problem that caused an issue. So I moved self from the very comfy easy chair into the room with a bed dragging my drip behind me. I must say both treatment rooms are the epitome of comfort. On the easy chair I had a foot rest and a blanket and constant offers of help and tea from the nurses. They are very good at Solway treatment centre.

They also gave me a blue premed pill which made me very sleepy and rendered me unable to drive home. So once again the cavalry in form of good friend and my dad arrived to get me and my car home. Lesson learned, next time I won’t be driving myself to treatment!

I got home at about 3pm quite tired but in good spirits, no pain no nausea and no side effects just yet. Had a nice dinner and an early night. My other good friend, insisted on replacing my old stupid fridge (just broken down recently) for me, so that was so cool of her – am VERY excited about that!

This morning I woke up feeling absolutely great. I am still taking the very expensive anti nausea tabs but SO FAR have had no side effects. I am feeling a little weak but I am sure sleep and food will sort that out pronto. I don’t want to preempt anything too much and will take it 1 hour, 1 day at a time but so far am feeling really good! 

Vampire Diaries

Phew it’s been a bumpy ride lately. My chemo was supposed to start on Tuesday last week after the long weekend. On the Monday holiday, I found myself incapable of getting out of bed. I was weak and felt nauseous, not a good combo. My dear daughter actually took my temperature and then called my parents to come through. I heard her outside on the phone saying: “Mommy is not well, please come and help.” Bless her little cotton socks.

I called the oncologist who told me to stay in bed and have some blood tests done in the morning before coming to have chemo. So Tuesday morning I did the blood tests which showed that I had lost a lot of blood and blood counts were very low. So low in fact that I needed to be admitted for a blood transfusion. Chemo would not be happening that day. I was admitted to the ward and had the transfusion overnight. It was not a pleasant experience but I seriously felt like a new person once the new blood was running through my veins, quite amazing. I was discharged the next morning and have been booked off work since then. On Tuesday I will go for more blood tests and then they will determine if I can start chemo.

They have put me on antibiotics for infection as well as given me stuff to stop the bleeding. At this point I am really feeling fantastic. I have NO pain, no infection and feel stronger than I have in a long time. I am at odds though about the chemo. It seems the universe is trying to delay this and I need to listen to that warning. My gut feel is still not entirely convinced that chemo is the right way to go but I also don’t feel like I have any other viable option. I am doing all the ‘other’ work and alternatives but I need to feel absolutely convinced about my treatment plan. I am working on this through some therapy and await a bolt of lightning to show me the way! 

Hair today, gone tomorrow

Right, so the cavalry have packed up and headed home for a brief spell last night. It was awesome to have my mom around as this week has been unpredictable with regard to pain. Some days really bad and others no pain at all. I am continuing with the Rife treatments in order to build my immune system in preparation for chemo. Mom was a blessing helping out with the household chores and looking after Rhiannon.

In the meantime, I have had another session with the German therapist which brought up a lot of pent up anger and unspoken, forgotten emotions relating to past relationships. The release was huge and came in the form of much pain and depression, lots of crying. The release itself was not fun, but the feeling after was indescribably lovely.

I’ve also been given the go-ahead for chemo. My first treatment on is scheduled for 2 April just after the long Easter weekend. I am apprehensive but not nervous. I still see this as yet another tool on my road to recovery. If I look at it any other way I will defeat the object.

On the whole, I have been feeling what I can only describe as grateful. A lot of things are coming together in my life and seem to be making a lot more sense. I wake up each day with a background feeling of excitement that this is a new day with a new challenge and one day / step closer to perfect health.

I have chopped most (not all) of my hair off in preparation for chemo. I now have a short bob after 11 years of having very long hair. It’s a huge change but it feels great, like a huge weight has lifted off me. When my hair eventually falls out, I will invest in wigs and plan to have lots of fun with those. The reaction to my new hair has been awesome. 

Everyone thinks it looks cool so that’s also added to my general sense of well-being. In short, things are good right now. I am relaxing on the long Easter weekend with friends and family. Tuesday looms but no longer with the sense of dread or horror which I previously felt towards chemo. I will keep you all updated. 

Get by with a little help...

I have been taking some time out from writing to process a few things. The stages of grief or loss which we go through definitely are happening with me but I seem to find myself stuck on repeat on some of the stages. Today grief has attacked me big time. It’s not that anything is different -  it’s just a processing of emotions I guess. I have been doing quite a lot of work on emotional healing and release so maybe this is part of that process too. Whatever the cause, I have been feeling spectacularly crappy. So today I called in the cavalry – my dear parents who will stay with me for a little while to help. My pain levels have also increased so I need to get stronger pain meds from the pharmacy today. Dear Dr. Handsome has already sent the script through to them.

My chemo treatment has not yet started but I received a notification from the medical aid to say that 2 cycles are approved and then to re-assess before the 3^rd. I have no idea what this means, so am trying to get hold of the oncologist to shed some light on this. While I am not looking forward to doing chemo, I am also tired of being stuck in this nowhere holding pattern.

To update you on the sonar scan I had a little while ago, the findings were that there is a 6cm mass in the pelvic area. They can see no spreading though and could not determine whether it is encroaching on the bladder or not. They were unable to measure against the previous scan as no measurement was taken initially. The good news from that whole hullaballoo is no spreading, so we focus on the positive and try and move forward.

As we speak, my dad is sweeping the yard outside and my mom has just brought me a sandwich for lunch. Love my dear parents, and like my sister says, maybe I need to learn to ask for help a little more. 

My Best Friend

When I was a very young girl of 10, I met an amazing person who was to become my very best friend in the whole entire world. I had no idea of this at the time, just that we were buddies and got on really well. We met at primary school and our friendship continued into high school and transcended the fact that we went to different schools or moved to various places. After school we still kept touch but we had a bit of a rough patch in which we hated our respective boyfriends. That lasted for 7 years but we managed to rekindle our friendship and continue after that where we had left off.

My friend and I have weathered many storms. We have shared first loves, broken hearts, many nights agonizing over Mr Right, Mr Wrong and Mr In Between. We have laughed a lot and had so many good times I can’t even begin to tell you. Our friendship has a soundtrack – it’s the soundtrack of our lives and it follows us wherever we go. My friend is beyond being my sister – she and I truly are soul sisters. She is the most awesome person I have the privilege of knowing.

So on Friday when I was told the news that she had bone marrow cancer, I was not quite sure how to react. This is a road I don’t wish to share with anyone – not meaning that selfishly. I mean this is not a nice road, it’s interesting and awareness making, sure, but it’s not pleasant. So now my friend and I have one more thing to share, cancer.

I went to visit her in hospital on Saturday. She seems in good spirits and was very happy to see me. Her treatment will start on Monday and she will be hospitalized for a month. All of you out there who are rooting and praying for me, please do so for my friend as well. 

Some Good News

I know I have been a bit quiet of late and no it’s not due to falling off the planet or suicidal tendencies. Mostly I have been quite fine. I experienced quite bad pain the other day and am now supplementing my pain patches with pain tablets as per the doctor’s advice. On the upside, it looks like my bladder side effect is calming down and not as bad as it was.

On Sunday night, I had a family constellation therapy session with my friend in Germany over Skype. At one point in the conversation, he said he can’t detect the cancer anymore, that it’s gone. I was somewhat taken aback and confused but he was adamant saying he is hardly ever wrong. We agreed that I would go and do some tests and see what the doctors have to say about my condition based on that.

I then scheduled a sonar scan, a rife scan and a pap smear with three separate doctors for early in this week. Yesterday was the pap smear appointment. I realized while driving there that this was not going to show up any different due to the dead tissue inside me it would still show abnormal cells. I ended up chatting to my GP for 45 minutes as she was very interested to hear what I have been doing to try and treat the cancer. She has some books and CD’s she will be loaning me so that was good. At 6pm I went off to have the Rife scan. Previously I had done this on 18 February, so this is almost 1 month later. She started scanning me and looking slightly disbelieving. She then showed me the results. Overall system and organ function has improved by 51%. In the diseased area there is a 41% improvement rate. In my digestive and colon a 30% improvement since last scan. She looked at me and said that the usual rate of improvement in a month is average about 6 or 7%. This never happens. I told her what I had been doing and she was amazed.

She then gave me the Rife machine which she has programmed specifically for me. I will do 1 treatment a day on it and it will do various things such as support my immune system, take care of infection, manage pain as well as treat the cancer. As she said, things can only improve more now that I have the Rife machine at my disposal. She has given me a schedule to work with for a period of 1 month.

Tomorrow I have a sonar scan scheduled and then a follow-up with the oncologist to discuss the results on Tuesday. I want her to compare the last scan done on 5^th Feb to this one and see if there is any marked change.

I am in a weird mood. I feel like running up and down and jumping in some moments and then others my skeptic comes in and says no this can’t be happening. I truly DO believe I am on the right track to recovery and that all I have been doing thus far is right and is working! I just need to shut up my inner cynic and not listen to her! 

Healing Room

Today I woke up happy. Yes I am well aware of how crazy that sounds. I have not been waking up happy for quite a long time now so it IS a day to celebrate. There are a number of factors at play here one of them being my pain patch kicking in. One doesn’t realize the exhausting effects of constant pain until it is simply no longer there. Secondly, I think my happy pills (anti -depressants) kicked in on the same day (DOUBLE whammy bonus!)  I checked in the box and sure enough I am on day 12 so it should be around now they can start working.

Then unrelated to any physical explanation (and let me warn you I am going to sound loopy to some of you), I had an extremely weird experience last night as I slept / half dozed. I was in a half dream, half sleep state and I could hear voices chattering, one being my own but many others. I was aware my eyes were shut and the chattering was about me and my situation. As the talking continued, I had an overwhelming sense of release and lift as though the talking was doing healing work. The feeling that came over me was warm and very happy, in fact I think I woke up grinning. So, I have NO rational explanation for that aside from the emotional / spiritual healing I have been doing. Something changed, was shifted big time last night and it felt amazing. My one therapist puts it down to my own healing power working along with my guides. Whatever it is, I feel marvelous and a LOT more positive than I have in weeks!

I am reminded of a song by (Sinéad O'Connor) - the Healing Room

I have a universe inside me 
Where I can go and spirit guides me 
There I can ask oh any question 
I get the answers if I listen 
I have a healing room inside me 
The loving healers there they feed me 
They make me happy with their laughter 
They kiss and tell me I'm their daughter 

Pre Chemo Emo

Six days to go before my first chemo session and I am a bundle of nerves. Last night I hit an all-time low on the emotion scale and could not stop crying. I am learning to be ok with the crying – to be with the sadness and not shrink from it. That way maybe I can let it go. My mom is here for a few days helping me out with my daughter and quite honestly I don’t know what I would have done without her. Sometimes you can’t prepare yourself for the level of helplessness that you feel. The last two days were like that. I was incapable of thinking or doing for myself so mom stepped in. God bless her cotton socks. Today I felt stronger and actually went to work. The doctor (Dr. Handsome) has recommended a pain patch (similar to morphine but not morphine). They are hellishly expensive so not a drug habit I can afford to upkeep for a long time. They’re slow release and you wear the patch for 2 to 3 days. I can already feel an unclenching in my muscles so that’s a good sign. The pain that I was experiencing was in my abdominal area and on a level of about 7 out of 10 although not constant, it would come and go. So on we go – it is a daily choice that I have to make – how shall I feel today and not always under my control. But I feel that I am getting better at it. One day and one step at a time – I am determined to fight this with all that I have and win! 

Silence

It’s been a particularly difficult last few days, hence I’ve been rather quiet on the blogging front. I have been in pain as well as emotional distress. I think all the treatments I have been doing have highlighted issues that I need to deal with and this is causing the sadness. In addition to that my happy pills are not yet kicking in – think they’re inhibiting serotonin at the moment which could also account for my bleak state.

I have had wonderful support from friends and family. Thanks to all of you – you know who you are. I still can’t shake a feeling of loneliness though, that no matter how many people I talk to or are there for me, that ultimately I have to do this alone. That’s a scary thought. I’ve been having lots of scary thoughts lately which I guess is also part of the process.

I start with the chemo treatment on 12^th March and will keep you all posted on how that goes. I am nervous as hell about it but this too shall pass I hope. 

Searching for Mr. Good Treatment

Apologies to the movie referenced in title with Richard Gere - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Looking_for_Mr._Goodbar_(film

My mood has not been the best of late. I have been hunting high and low for treatment which suits me, my budget, my personality, my gut feel. It’s not easy. I’ve also been battling the ‘to do chemo’ vs. ‘not to do chemo’ debate. On the one hand it could save my life, on the other could ruin my health and immune system – not a great choice. So I have been doing a lot of research and speaking to many people. I’ve had some therapy treatments on the emotional and spiritual side and those were great. Still I did not have the answer I wanted.

The one answer I received was you need to know and ‘feel’ the best treatment for you personally and that only you can decide. Tough one. So with all my preconceptions about chemo and all my natural leanings towards the ‘hippy’ way this was a very hard decision to come to.

Today I had the appointment with my oncologist to discuss treatment. She is lovely – we will call her Dr Kind. She explained everything to me – what chemo treatment they can offer me and why. We spoke in great length about the side effects and any questions I had she answered. She even offered the services of a social worker should I feel that my daughter may need counseling. In short, she was amazing. She put me at ease and I feel much more confident and in control about the chemo now. It’s no longer the big bad wolf at the door. I am not going to lie and say this is going to be an easy road but at least now I am informed. The monster has been demystified and it’s not really a monster, it’s just another tool that can help me on my road to perfect health. 

Random Shrieking

Welcome to my Monday. Please fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. Sudden mood swings, changes of subject and random shrieking may occur. That is sort of how I feel today. The weekend was good and I spent it with family having a chilled time. Sunday night however, fear came crashing back in and I was not all that good. I have my upcoming appointment with the oncologist on Tuesday and for some irrational reason I am nervous. She will probably be telling me about my chemo programme – what to expect, dates etc. This doesn’t fill me with joy. I know I need to do all that is in my power to beat this thing – still the thought of chemo scares me. I am no longer in denial, I have accepted this is the way that I have chosen but  that still does nothing to stop the fear. I want to go to bed for 6 months, press a fast forward button and make this all go away. Childish and irrational as that sounds, that is really how I feel. 

Breakthroughs

Last night I had my first theta healing session and it was nothing short of amazing! What the treatment does it to bring out any issues that are blockages and release these by‘re-programming’ the way your brain reacts to the trigger / issue. So much stuff came up and I will not bore you with all the details. Suffice to say there were a lot of anger and trust issues. I was able to come to terms with ‘accepting’ the cancer which I wasn’t even able to admit to myself that I was unable to do before. This means accepting in the way that I am not in denial of it – accepting that it is there and that it needs to be dealt with. She also dealt with my thyroid as this was apparently causing me to feel exhausted – very true! Some of the issues that were highlighted were buried so deep in my sub conscious that I wasn’t even aware of them before. After the session I felt calm, relaxed and revitalized.

This morning I was able to go for my blood tests and x-rays with a great sense of calm, no drama and no panic feelings. I then made an appointment with the oncologist for next Tuesday. After this I went to the library to get some books and found some great books i.e. “The Journey” by Brandon Bays which I have read before but need to re-read as well as ‘Shattering the Cancer Myth” which details a whole host of alternate cancer cures and therapies. I have LOTS of reading work to do! I have also started reading the Emotion Code and plan to do some work with that. The book deals with the premise that all disease is as a result of trapped emotion in the body and how to release these.

I feel that things are being shown to me and that I am being guided on the right path. Yesterday for example I was in the chemist looking for some vitamins and was drawn to a herbal detox called Dandelion. When I looked it up in the book, it appears it is the exact right thing I need for all my ailments including cancer right now. Somehow my body knew that’s what it needed and chose it. This morning two separate people told me about a plant called sour sop (graviola) which is apparently a great natural treatment for cancer. I am going to order that in next week.

It may sound like I am all over the place but I believe there is a lot of necessary healing work that I am doing on ALL levels and I am excited that things are moving so quickly. I have also accepted that the chemo will be a necessary part of my healing. I need to do as many things as I can in tandem to kick this cancer’s ass and beat it once and for all. Also, like my theta therapist said, one cannot do too much and cannot do too little; you have to choose what is right for you. There are so many options out there that the choices alone could drive you insane (in my case, insaner) so I am picking and choosing and rejecting as I see fit. What feels right stays, what doesn’t goes. 

Sub Plot, Twist

So in the midst of my crying jags and feeling fairly sorry for myself, I have also managed to discover a few things. One of the things that I realized way back in 2009 when I was first diagnosed was that unless you treat the cause, you’re never going to rid yourself of the symptom. For me (and I am sure to many others) this means the emotional / spiritual root cause. Both times previously I have not done the work for many reasons, mostly that I am a great procrastinator – talented at it even! J

I have the great priviledge of being in touch with a doctor in Germany who’s son happens to be one of my very old friends. She has assisted me in the past with supplementary treatments and advised on alternatives. Through her I have been put in touch with a Theta healing practitioner – theta definition is as follows:

Theta Healing: Theta Healing is a holistic healing technique using quantum physics to access healing energy vibrations. Reiki energy is used to access the energy vibration. The practitioner is merely the conduit for the healing energy. Each client is taught how to use this energy to self-heal. OR

"ThetaHealing is a technique that teaches how to put to use our natural intuition, relying upon unconditional love of Creator Of All That Is to do the actual "work". We believe by changing your brain wave cycle to include the "Theta" state, you can actually watch the Creator Of All That Is create instantaneous physical and emotional healing."

My first session is tonight and I will report back on how this goes and the way forward. The other practice I was recommended to do is Family Constellation therapy. Definition for this is:

“The purpose of Family Constellations is to uncover the hidden dynamics of your family or relationship in an experiential way, so that existing energy can be observed and changed where necessary and undue stress released or reduced in the system. This is a gentle and sensitive method of allowing family or relationship energy to reveal itself through representatives, so that a resolution can unfold. This involves allowing each member of the system to find their rightful place in the group which involves a healthy and respectful connection to each other, hence allowing the natural flow of love in the system.”

I will begin working with my old friend in Germany on this possibly over the weekend. Another book I was recommended to read is ‘The Emotion Code’ by Dr. Bradley Nelson. This is fascinating stuff which deals with the premise that all disease can be traced back to trapped emotion within the body and how to heal this. I have started reading and it makes perfect sense.

Lastly if you think I have gone completely bat-shit crazy, that’s ok. I have always been interested in the esoteric, spiritual side of life so for me this is more of a coming home than wandering off the beaten track. I believe that if I do all of this work a lot of things within me can and will be healed. 

Houston – we have a Plan!

After falling apart spectacularly yesterday – twice to be exact, I think God / The Universe / Powers that Be (Bee?) took pity on me and threw me a lifeline. I needed a plan – needed to know the way forward without guesswork, smoke and mirrors. I also needed to know that the plan was sensible and reasonable. All day I tried to make sense of options, read some more research – in general drove myself mad. I also spoke to a homeopathic doctor who didn’t give me much sense of comfort regarding my options.

Anyway in the evening I had an appointment with a quantum healer and Rife practitioner. There is a lot of controversy surrounding Rife therapy and an equal amount of research proving it as disproving it – so it’s all rather confusing. I choose to believe the positive and have faith in this method of treatment. The initial appointment is merely a scan for her to be able to put together a report on what is to be treated and how it will be treated. The scan took about 10 minutes but I spoke to her about my situation and options beforehand. She was very encouraging and positive and together we agreed on a plan as follows:

I will be doing a 6 month course of chemo and during this time we will use the RIFE machine as support i.e. it can be used to boost my immune system, manage pain, nausea and other symptoms e.g. anxiety and depression. I still have to speak to the oncologist about my treatment plan and am waiting for her to call me back today. I will need about 2 weeks for the RIFE machine to be programmed therefore I assume I will start treatment on about the 1^st of March. After chemo is over, we will then use the RIFE machine as further treatment against the cancer to fight / kill whatever is left over. The cost of this is not as exorbitant as Dr Granola, it’s manageable and I think it’s a sensible option. I will have regular scans and check ups with both my oncologists and the Rife practitioner so we will be able to monitor progress.

I feel good and positive about this course of action and less like I am falling apart due to lack of control. 

Journey of Discovery

I am inpatient. Anyone who knows me will know that only too well. Nothing goes fast enough or works efficiently enough for my liking. So imagine my irritation at this hurry up and wait process I am now faced with. I have been diagnosed, now I need to look at all treatment options and make a decision on the best and most sensible way forward. Waiting for feedback, waiting for stats, waiting, waiting. Hate waiting! I know I have to be thorough in my investigation in order to make the best decision – I cannot rush this and maybe therein lies my lesson.

The weekend was good. I celebrated my daughter’s 11^th birthday party with a hippy themed picnic at a wine farm (win win situation!) and then went out to Kalk Bay on Sunday with family. So for the weekend I could let my mind rest and not think about options or disease or treatment plans. Now it’s Monday and the voices in my head are really, really loud.  Not only in my head, but also at the desk across from me in the form of my colleague whinging: You have a blog, what’s the point if you don’t write every day – ok ok, so here I am writing – lol.

Today I am up and down – I want a clear idea of the way forward and I want it now. I need to have a plan. I am a project manager and cannot work without a plan. This feels like chaos and it’s not working for me. I know I need to relax and breathe but it’s much easier said than done. I find myself feeling jealous of random (healthy looking) strangers envying them their careless, care-free existences. I watched a movie last night about a dying girl – probably not the best choice in my current state of mind, but it was interesting and moving.

Back to work now – it takes my mind off thinking and fretting. 

Update from the Edge

Ok, so I have seen both Dr Granola (alternate treatments) and Dr. Handsome (along with his sidekick, Dr. Silent but Friendly). On Tuesday I broke down in Dr G’s office after a 2 hour consultation for 2 reasons. Reason 1: The consult and ensuing report was very thorough and detailed giving me an exact breakdown of how messed up my entire system is. Reason 2: The bill / quote he gave me for monthly treatment thereof was fairly exorbitant. I took one look at said quote and promptly burst into tears, thinking I cannot afford this – what the HELL am I going to do? He spoke to me afterwards to reassure me that I need not make any decisions now, rather go and see the oncologist, see what they say, then come back to him with a decision and he can structure a package for me should I wish to go that route. Ok, breathe.

The following day, I had an appointment with the oncologist, Dr Handsome at Tygerberg Hospital. Now for those of you who are familiar with the institution, you can feel my pain. Tygerberg is the top oncology department in South Africa but the actual building and facilities leave much to be desired. In short, it’s a dump! Anyway, so they spoke to me in great detail about my diagnosis and stated that the biopsy tested positive for cancer and that it’s grown quite a bit. We spoke about the proposed operation and came to an agreement that this is not a viable option as will be too risky – the rate of survival of the op is not good nor is the success rate. They have offered me chemo and my lady oncologist will be in touch to speak to me about that. Right now my decision is to go with chemo AND the alternate treatment and try to combine the two.  What they made abundantly clear is that chemo will not cure the cancer, merely reduce it and prolong my life. I have to hold on to the hope that the other treatment in conjunction with this will kick the cancer bitch’s ass!

So I haven’t posted in a few days and this is why. I’ve been mulling over all of this information in my head and trying to make some rational decisions. It’s hard. It’s the hardest thing I have ever been faced with but I am being positive, holding my head up high and yes also my breasts (this is for a very silly friend of mine – you know who you are!) and trying to move forward in the best way possible. I feel a bit better in that I have a plan – there is no more (or very little) guesswork. I will and am do everything possible to save my life or at very least extend it as much as possible. I have to. Tomorrow is my daughter’s 11^th birthday. I intend being around for many more of her birthdays. 

Roller Coaster

This journey is one of many ups and downs. I was surrounded by people (friends and family) for most of the weekend but on Sunday found myself mostly alone and crashed into a very bleak dark grey mood. All my fears and worries came crashing to the fore. It was horrible. Luckily I had the good sense to call a friend who came round with reinforcements and talked me off the edge. I am so blessed that I have so many people who love and support me. I need to say a huge thank you to each and every one of you. I see I am getting many page views but NO comments, so I urge you to please leave comments, I love getting feedback and would like to hear from my readers.

Today I am going to see the alternate holistic doctor (will name him appropriately after seeing him) and he will recommend a treatment plan and the way forward. I am very excited and optimistic about this. Will update once I have seen him later on today.

Letting Go

Happy Monday everyone! I was not going to go into work but the good news is I am feeling a LOT better and the side effect symptom seems to be on the mend. So here I am at my lovely place of work (no sarcasm intended). I receive a weekly Angel reading - for those of you who are not into the mung bean and sprout hippy brigade: look away now, for all the others: read on!

Letting Go 

You aren't receiving positive results because you're struggling too much to solve the problem. By letting go, you're opening yourself up to a miraculous resolution.

Drawn from: Healing with Fairies Oracle Cards - Doreen Virtue

Problems are caused by human thinking and action. That's why problems aren't solved by additional human thinking and action. When we think hard or struggle to resolve a crisis, things can actually get worse!

You are being asked to stop the human struggle. Stop thinking about the problem, since a focus of negativity can manifest even more negativity. Say aloud or silently, "I am willing to surrender this situation to my Creator right now." By affirming this statement, heaven is able to intervene on your behalf. You will instantly feel relief, and will be gratified to see how easily and naturally the situation resolves itself.

Affirmation: I am willing to surrender this situation to my Creator right now. When I let go, everything turns out perfectly 

Dr Gloom, Dr Nice & Dr Handsome

So it's been 4 days since I was discharged from hospital and I still have a really not so nice side effect. I decided to call the urologist (let's call him Dr Gloom) to ask for advice. He did not return my call, I had to phone him about 3 times before actually speaking to him. I detailed what I was experiencing and curtly he said, "Well that could be a result of a number of factors, but I cannot advise you over the phone you need to come into my office so I can explain." He then went on to state what he thinks it might be which is basically as a result of him discharging me too quickly and removing the catheter earlier than he should have.

Uhm, seriously dude? So now after completely traumatising me with bad news, doing the wrong thing after the operation AND admitting it - you now want me to come to your office and PAY for the pleasure of your explanation and possible further abuse. I don't think so.

Today I phoned my GP (let's call her Dr Nice) and she has recommended another urologist. By her own admission apparently urologists are not the most congenial of creatures in general. She also recommended a course of action, which is more than Dr Gloom did. In addition I still have to phone the oncologist (Dr Handsome) for the biopsy result and an appointment to discuss my options. That will be early next week.

In other MUCH happier news, I have to say a HUGE thank you to all of you who have sent me kind messages and generous donations. I am truly blown away by the awesome response to my request. If ever I doubted I was loved and supported, I really don't anymore. Thank you everyone!!

Are we really here again

Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a gal of charm and wit (most days). I am a 40 something single mom to an almost 11 year old gorgeous daughter and live in the beautiful city of Cape Town.

In 2009 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I had a radical hysterectomy and all was well until 2011 when it came back. This time the treatment was radiation and 'boosting' chemo treatment. Cut to now - 2013 and it's back. This time there are kidney complications caused by the radiation and the first diagnosis I received was a radical operation which I do not care to detail here-in - suffice to say I would have to walk around with a baggie. The doctor who pronounced this lovely news blasted the bad news at me, watched as I crumbled emotionally and walked away - did not wait for questions or even try to comfort or give me any other option. This is all all before the final biopsy result is out. He has basically said the tumour is back which is all I really need to know right now.

So, back in 2009 when I was still new to this game, I remember researching all sorts of alternative cures and treatments. At the time it felt like I was playing with my life and my daughter's life. Quicker to cut it out and get on with my life. Who needs a uterus anyway. Little did I know. What I have since discovered is that even if they leave ONE cell there is a risk of the cancer returning. Add to that the horror of what radiation does to your internal organs and you have one very different Bee. In addition when I was being prepared for radiation, NO ONE of the doctors at any point cautioned me of the side effects (long lasting) of radiation. They said side effects would be transient for the duration of the treatment. Lies, lies, all dirty lies! Sorry, I do not mean to sound bitter here but I do wish to act as a warning for anyone who finds themselves in this situation in future.

I had the course of 6 week's radiation and then a number of tests thereafter whereupon they prounounced that the radiation had been successful and the cancer was now officially in remission. Wonderful, if it had been true. A year later, I developed a kidney infection, was admitted to hospital for it- the reason - a blockage on my urethra pipe, the cause - bits of dead tissue left over from the radiation. My cancer docs seemed to think that was ok, the urologist not so much. He installed stents in urethra to enable proper kidney function. Ever since that day, I have experienced some form of pain as well as other mild side effects too unlovely to detail. Cut to present day - I was booked into hospital for a routine replacement of the stents as well as a biopsy test to ensure cancer had not returned. The results are history as detailed above.

THIS time I do not want anything to do with the normal medical profession. This time I want to tackle cancer from ALL sides, spiritual, emotional, physical! And I mean tackle! Unfortunately to do this I need money - medical aid does not pay for anything not related to Big Pharma. I have sourced a qualified doctor who is well versed in MANY cancer treatments but who also works with emotional healing. My request is to raise funds and awareness - funds for my personal journey right now - and awareness for all other women out there who find themselves in the same situation. I am happy to talk to anyone and counsel or advise anyone who needs to talk to me.

I really hope and pray that there are some out there who can help. Please leave contact details in the comments and I will reply to your email.