Searching for Mr. Good Treatment

Apologies to the movie referenced in title with Richard Gere - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Looking_for_Mr._Goodbar_(film

My mood has not been the best of late. I have been hunting high and low for treatment which suits me, my budget, my personality, my gut feel. It’s not easy. I’ve also been battling the ‘to do chemo’ vs. ‘not to do chemo’ debate. On the one hand it could save my life, on the other could ruin my health and immune system – not a great choice. So I have been doing a lot of research and speaking to many people. I’ve had some therapy treatments on the emotional and spiritual side and those were great. Still I did not have the answer I wanted.

The one answer I received was you need to know and ‘feel’ the best treatment for you personally and that only you can decide. Tough one. So with all my preconceptions about chemo and all my natural leanings towards the ‘hippy’ way this was a very hard decision to come to.

Today I had the appointment with my oncologist to discuss treatment. She is lovely – we will call her Dr Kind. She explained everything to me – what chemo treatment they can offer me and why. We spoke in great length about the side effects and any questions I had she answered. She even offered the services of a social worker should I feel that my daughter may need counseling. In short, she was amazing. She put me at ease and I feel much more confident and in control about the chemo now. It’s no longer the big bad wolf at the door. I am not going to lie and say this is going to be an easy road but at least now I am informed. The monster has been demystified and it’s not really a monster, it’s just another tool that can help me on my road to perfect health. 

Random Shrieking

Welcome to my Monday. Please fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. Sudden mood swings, changes of subject and random shrieking may occur. That is sort of how I feel today. The weekend was good and I spent it with family having a chilled time. Sunday night however, fear came crashing back in and I was not all that good. I have my upcoming appointment with the oncologist on Tuesday and for some irrational reason I am nervous. She will probably be telling me about my chemo programme – what to expect, dates etc. This doesn’t fill me with joy. I know I need to do all that is in my power to beat this thing – still the thought of chemo scares me. I am no longer in denial, I have accepted this is the way that I have chosen but  that still does nothing to stop the fear. I want to go to bed for 6 months, press a fast forward button and make this all go away. Childish and irrational as that sounds, that is really how I feel. 

Breakthroughs

Last night I had my first theta healing session and it was nothing short of amazing! What the treatment does it to bring out any issues that are blockages and release these by‘re-programming’ the way your brain reacts to the trigger / issue. So much stuff came up and I will not bore you with all the details. Suffice to say there were a lot of anger and trust issues. I was able to come to terms with ‘accepting’ the cancer which I wasn’t even able to admit to myself that I was unable to do before. This means accepting in the way that I am not in denial of it – accepting that it is there and that it needs to be dealt with. She also dealt with my thyroid as this was apparently causing me to feel exhausted – very true! Some of the issues that were highlighted were buried so deep in my sub conscious that I wasn’t even aware of them before. After the session I felt calm, relaxed and revitalized.

This morning I was able to go for my blood tests and x-rays with a great sense of calm, no drama and no panic feelings. I then made an appointment with the oncologist for next Tuesday. After this I went to the library to get some books and found some great books i.e. “The Journey” by Brandon Bays which I have read before but need to re-read as well as ‘Shattering the Cancer Myth” which details a whole host of alternate cancer cures and therapies. I have LOTS of reading work to do! I have also started reading the Emotion Code and plan to do some work with that. The book deals with the premise that all disease is as a result of trapped emotion in the body and how to release these.

I feel that things are being shown to me and that I am being guided on the right path. Yesterday for example I was in the chemist looking for some vitamins and was drawn to a herbal detox called Dandelion. When I looked it up in the book, it appears it is the exact right thing I need for all my ailments including cancer right now. Somehow my body knew that’s what it needed and chose it. This morning two separate people told me about a plant called sour sop (graviola) which is apparently a great natural treatment for cancer. I am going to order that in next week.

It may sound like I am all over the place but I believe there is a lot of necessary healing work that I am doing on ALL levels and I am excited that things are moving so quickly. I have also accepted that the chemo will be a necessary part of my healing. I need to do as many things as I can in tandem to kick this cancer’s ass and beat it once and for all. Also, like my theta therapist said, one cannot do too much and cannot do too little; you have to choose what is right for you. There are so many options out there that the choices alone could drive you insane (in my case, insaner) so I am picking and choosing and rejecting as I see fit. What feels right stays, what doesn’t goes. 

Sub Plot, Twist

So in the midst of my crying jags and feeling fairly sorry for myself, I have also managed to discover a few things. One of the things that I realized way back in 2009 when I was first diagnosed was that unless you treat the cause, you’re never going to rid yourself of the symptom. For me (and I am sure to many others) this means the emotional / spiritual root cause. Both times previously I have not done the work for many reasons, mostly that I am a great procrastinator – talented at it even! J

I have the great priviledge of being in touch with a doctor in Germany who’s son happens to be one of my very old friends. She has assisted me in the past with supplementary treatments and advised on alternatives. Through her I have been put in touch with a Theta healing practitioner – theta definition is as follows:

Theta Healing: Theta Healing is a holistic healing technique using quantum physics to access healing energy vibrations. Reiki energy is used to access the energy vibration. The practitioner is merely the conduit for the healing energy. Each client is taught how to use this energy to self-heal. OR

"ThetaHealing is a technique that teaches how to put to use our natural intuition, relying upon unconditional love of Creator Of All That Is to do the actual "work". We believe by changing your brain wave cycle to include the "Theta" state, you can actually watch the Creator Of All That Is create instantaneous physical and emotional healing."

My first session is tonight and I will report back on how this goes and the way forward. The other practice I was recommended to do is Family Constellation therapy. Definition for this is:

“The purpose of Family Constellations is to uncover the hidden dynamics of your family or relationship in an experiential way, so that existing energy can be observed and changed where necessary and undue stress released or reduced in the system. This is a gentle and sensitive method of allowing family or relationship energy to reveal itself through representatives, so that a resolution can unfold. This involves allowing each member of the system to find their rightful place in the group which involves a healthy and respectful connection to each other, hence allowing the natural flow of love in the system.”

I will begin working with my old friend in Germany on this possibly over the weekend. Another book I was recommended to read is ‘The Emotion Code’ by Dr. Bradley Nelson. This is fascinating stuff which deals with the premise that all disease can be traced back to trapped emotion within the body and how to heal this. I have started reading and it makes perfect sense.

Lastly if you think I have gone completely bat-shit crazy, that’s ok. I have always been interested in the esoteric, spiritual side of life so for me this is more of a coming home than wandering off the beaten track. I believe that if I do all of this work a lot of things within me can and will be healed. 

Houston – we have a Plan!

After falling apart spectacularly yesterday – twice to be exact, I think God / The Universe / Powers that Be (Bee?) took pity on me and threw me a lifeline. I needed a plan – needed to know the way forward without guesswork, smoke and mirrors. I also needed to know that the plan was sensible and reasonable. All day I tried to make sense of options, read some more research – in general drove myself mad. I also spoke to a homeopathic doctor who didn’t give me much sense of comfort regarding my options.

Anyway in the evening I had an appointment with a quantum healer and Rife practitioner. There is a lot of controversy surrounding Rife therapy and an equal amount of research proving it as disproving it – so it’s all rather confusing. I choose to believe the positive and have faith in this method of treatment. The initial appointment is merely a scan for her to be able to put together a report on what is to be treated and how it will be treated. The scan took about 10 minutes but I spoke to her about my situation and options beforehand. She was very encouraging and positive and together we agreed on a plan as follows:

I will be doing a 6 month course of chemo and during this time we will use the RIFE machine as support i.e. it can be used to boost my immune system, manage pain, nausea and other symptoms e.g. anxiety and depression. I still have to speak to the oncologist about my treatment plan and am waiting for her to call me back today. I will need about 2 weeks for the RIFE machine to be programmed therefore I assume I will start treatment on about the 1^st of March. After chemo is over, we will then use the RIFE machine as further treatment against the cancer to fight / kill whatever is left over. The cost of this is not as exorbitant as Dr Granola, it’s manageable and I think it’s a sensible option. I will have regular scans and check ups with both my oncologists and the Rife practitioner so we will be able to monitor progress.

I feel good and positive about this course of action and less like I am falling apart due to lack of control. 

Journey of Discovery

I am inpatient. Anyone who knows me will know that only too well. Nothing goes fast enough or works efficiently enough for my liking. So imagine my irritation at this hurry up and wait process I am now faced with. I have been diagnosed, now I need to look at all treatment options and make a decision on the best and most sensible way forward. Waiting for feedback, waiting for stats, waiting, waiting. Hate waiting! I know I have to be thorough in my investigation in order to make the best decision – I cannot rush this and maybe therein lies my lesson.

The weekend was good. I celebrated my daughter’s 11^th birthday party with a hippy themed picnic at a wine farm (win win situation!) and then went out to Kalk Bay on Sunday with family. So for the weekend I could let my mind rest and not think about options or disease or treatment plans. Now it’s Monday and the voices in my head are really, really loud.  Not only in my head, but also at the desk across from me in the form of my colleague whinging: You have a blog, what’s the point if you don’t write every day – ok ok, so here I am writing – lol.

Today I am up and down – I want a clear idea of the way forward and I want it now. I need to have a plan. I am a project manager and cannot work without a plan. This feels like chaos and it’s not working for me. I know I need to relax and breathe but it’s much easier said than done. I find myself feeling jealous of random (healthy looking) strangers envying them their careless, care-free existences. I watched a movie last night about a dying girl – probably not the best choice in my current state of mind, but it was interesting and moving.

Back to work now – it takes my mind off thinking and fretting. 

Update from the Edge

Ok, so I have seen both Dr Granola (alternate treatments) and Dr. Handsome (along with his sidekick, Dr. Silent but Friendly). On Tuesday I broke down in Dr G’s office after a 2 hour consultation for 2 reasons. Reason 1: The consult and ensuing report was very thorough and detailed giving me an exact breakdown of how messed up my entire system is. Reason 2: The bill / quote he gave me for monthly treatment thereof was fairly exorbitant. I took one look at said quote and promptly burst into tears, thinking I cannot afford this – what the HELL am I going to do? He spoke to me afterwards to reassure me that I need not make any decisions now, rather go and see the oncologist, see what they say, then come back to him with a decision and he can structure a package for me should I wish to go that route. Ok, breathe.

The following day, I had an appointment with the oncologist, Dr Handsome at Tygerberg Hospital. Now for those of you who are familiar with the institution, you can feel my pain. Tygerberg is the top oncology department in South Africa but the actual building and facilities leave much to be desired. In short, it’s a dump! Anyway, so they spoke to me in great detail about my diagnosis and stated that the biopsy tested positive for cancer and that it’s grown quite a bit. We spoke about the proposed operation and came to an agreement that this is not a viable option as will be too risky – the rate of survival of the op is not good nor is the success rate. They have offered me chemo and my lady oncologist will be in touch to speak to me about that. Right now my decision is to go with chemo AND the alternate treatment and try to combine the two.  What they made abundantly clear is that chemo will not cure the cancer, merely reduce it and prolong my life. I have to hold on to the hope that the other treatment in conjunction with this will kick the cancer bitch’s ass!

So I haven’t posted in a few days and this is why. I’ve been mulling over all of this information in my head and trying to make some rational decisions. It’s hard. It’s the hardest thing I have ever been faced with but I am being positive, holding my head up high and yes also my breasts (this is for a very silly friend of mine – you know who you are!) and trying to move forward in the best way possible. I feel a bit better in that I have a plan – there is no more (or very little) guesswork. I will and am do everything possible to save my life or at very least extend it as much as possible. I have to. Tomorrow is my daughter’s 11^th birthday. I intend being around for many more of her birthdays. 

Roller Coaster

This journey is one of many ups and downs. I was surrounded by people (friends and family) for most of the weekend but on Sunday found myself mostly alone and crashed into a very bleak dark grey mood. All my fears and worries came crashing to the fore. It was horrible. Luckily I had the good sense to call a friend who came round with reinforcements and talked me off the edge. I am so blessed that I have so many people who love and support me. I need to say a huge thank you to each and every one of you. I see I am getting many page views but NO comments, so I urge you to please leave comments, I love getting feedback and would like to hear from my readers.

Today I am going to see the alternate holistic doctor (will name him appropriately after seeing him) and he will recommend a treatment plan and the way forward. I am very excited and optimistic about this. Will update once I have seen him later on today.

Letting Go

Happy Monday everyone! I was not going to go into work but the good news is I am feeling a LOT better and the side effect symptom seems to be on the mend. So here I am at my lovely place of work (no sarcasm intended). I receive a weekly Angel reading - for those of you who are not into the mung bean and sprout hippy brigade: look away now, for all the others: read on!

Letting Go 

You aren't receiving positive results because you're struggling too much to solve the problem. By letting go, you're opening yourself up to a miraculous resolution.

Drawn from: Healing with Fairies Oracle Cards - Doreen Virtue

Problems are caused by human thinking and action. That's why problems aren't solved by additional human thinking and action. When we think hard or struggle to resolve a crisis, things can actually get worse!

You are being asked to stop the human struggle. Stop thinking about the problem, since a focus of negativity can manifest even more negativity. Say aloud or silently, "I am willing to surrender this situation to my Creator right now." By affirming this statement, heaven is able to intervene on your behalf. You will instantly feel relief, and will be gratified to see how easily and naturally the situation resolves itself.

Affirmation: I am willing to surrender this situation to my Creator right now. When I let go, everything turns out perfectly 

Dr Gloom, Dr Nice & Dr Handsome

So it's been 4 days since I was discharged from hospital and I still have a really not so nice side effect. I decided to call the urologist (let's call him Dr Gloom) to ask for advice. He did not return my call, I had to phone him about 3 times before actually speaking to him. I detailed what I was experiencing and curtly he said, "Well that could be a result of a number of factors, but I cannot advise you over the phone you need to come into my office so I can explain." He then went on to state what he thinks it might be which is basically as a result of him discharging me too quickly and removing the catheter earlier than he should have.

Uhm, seriously dude? So now after completely traumatising me with bad news, doing the wrong thing after the operation AND admitting it - you now want me to come to your office and PAY for the pleasure of your explanation and possible further abuse. I don't think so.

Today I phoned my GP (let's call her Dr Nice) and she has recommended another urologist. By her own admission apparently urologists are not the most congenial of creatures in general. She also recommended a course of action, which is more than Dr Gloom did. In addition I still have to phone the oncologist (Dr Handsome) for the biopsy result and an appointment to discuss my options. That will be early next week.

In other MUCH happier news, I have to say a HUGE thank you to all of you who have sent me kind messages and generous donations. I am truly blown away by the awesome response to my request. If ever I doubted I was loved and supported, I really don't anymore. Thank you everyone!!

Are we really here again

Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a gal of charm and wit (most days). I am a 40 something single mom to an almost 11 year old gorgeous daughter and live in the beautiful city of Cape Town.

In 2009 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I had a radical hysterectomy and all was well until 2011 when it came back. This time the treatment was radiation and 'boosting' chemo treatment. Cut to now - 2013 and it's back. This time there are kidney complications caused by the radiation and the first diagnosis I received was a radical operation which I do not care to detail here-in - suffice to say I would have to walk around with a baggie. The doctor who pronounced this lovely news blasted the bad news at me, watched as I crumbled emotionally and walked away - did not wait for questions or even try to comfort or give me any other option. This is all all before the final biopsy result is out. He has basically said the tumour is back which is all I really need to know right now.

So, back in 2009 when I was still new to this game, I remember researching all sorts of alternative cures and treatments. At the time it felt like I was playing with my life and my daughter's life. Quicker to cut it out and get on with my life. Who needs a uterus anyway. Little did I know. What I have since discovered is that even if they leave ONE cell there is a risk of the cancer returning. Add to that the horror of what radiation does to your internal organs and you have one very different Bee. In addition when I was being prepared for radiation, NO ONE of the doctors at any point cautioned me of the side effects (long lasting) of radiation. They said side effects would be transient for the duration of the treatment. Lies, lies, all dirty lies! Sorry, I do not mean to sound bitter here but I do wish to act as a warning for anyone who finds themselves in this situation in future.

I had the course of 6 week's radiation and then a number of tests thereafter whereupon they prounounced that the radiation had been successful and the cancer was now officially in remission. Wonderful, if it had been true. A year later, I developed a kidney infection, was admitted to hospital for it- the reason - a blockage on my urethra pipe, the cause - bits of dead tissue left over from the radiation. My cancer docs seemed to think that was ok, the urologist not so much. He installed stents in urethra to enable proper kidney function. Ever since that day, I have experienced some form of pain as well as other mild side effects too unlovely to detail. Cut to present day - I was booked into hospital for a routine replacement of the stents as well as a biopsy test to ensure cancer had not returned. The results are history as detailed above.

THIS time I do not want anything to do with the normal medical profession. This time I want to tackle cancer from ALL sides, spiritual, emotional, physical! And I mean tackle! Unfortunately to do this I need money - medical aid does not pay for anything not related to Big Pharma. I have sourced a qualified doctor who is well versed in MANY cancer treatments but who also works with emotional healing. My request is to raise funds and awareness - funds for my personal journey right now - and awareness for all other women out there who find themselves in the same situation. I am happy to talk to anyone and counsel or advise anyone who needs to talk to me.

I really hope and pray that there are some out there who can help. Please leave contact details in the comments and I will reply to your email.