tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75983539724926649182024-03-18T21:14:56.046-07:00Me and My ShadowAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-63630271144229564152013-12-31T06:49:00.002-08:002013-12-31T06:49:53.760-08:002013 - the year in review<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><b><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">1.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Did you keep your New Years' resolutions,
and will you make more for next year?</span></b><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<span style="background: white;">I never make NY
resolutions as it’s pointless, never keep ‘em. I do however have some wishes
for the year ahead but that’s another story<br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">2. Did anyone close to you give birth?</span></b><br />
<span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">My ex dawg, Lulu
had a puppy litter hehe<br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">3. Did anyone close to you die?</span></b><br />
<span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Yes, my dear uncle
Fred </span><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-family: Wingdings;">L</span><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">4. What countries did you visit?</span></b><br />
<span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">In books quite a
few, in actual reality, SA only<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<b><span style="background: white;">5. What would you like to have in 2014 that
you lacked in 2013?</span></b><br />
<span style="background: white;">Perfect health<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<b><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">6. What was your biggest
achievement of the year?</span></b><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
Just getting on with each and every day and trying
not to lose faith that this too shall pass. <br />
<br />
<b><span style="background: white;">7. What was your biggest failure?</span></b><br />
<span style="background: white;">2 failed
relationships. Having to concede that I can no longer afford the big house with
pool and picket fence – therefore simplified my life by moving to Southern
suburbs to a smaller place. Not a failure as such more a sideways sensible
move.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">8. What was the best thing you bought?</span></b><br />
<span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">My laptop, a tablet
for Rhi </span><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-family: Wingdings; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">J</span><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> - oooh
and my lovely new car Hyundai i20</span><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">9. Whose behavior merited celebration?</span></b><br />
<span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Rhiannon’s –
against all odds passing from Gr 5 to Gr 6 even with the challenge of changing
schools mid year due to our moving house and suburb.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">10. Whose behavior made you appalled
and depressed?</span></b><br />
<span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Our dear government
– no surprise there. Also a few of my so-called friends who are now nowhere to
be seen / heard. No names, no pack
drill. <br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">11. Where did most of your money go?</span></b><br />
<span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Medical expenses<br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">12. What did you get really excited
about?</span></b><br />
The prospect of my health being revived through
alternate treatments as well as some of the less medical but more spiritual
work I did to combat my dis-ease.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">13. What song will always remind you
of 2013?<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">None really resonates<br />
<br />
<b><span style="background: white;">14. Compared to this time last year,
are you happier or sadder?<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">A little sadder but a lot wiser and less
naive.</span><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<br />
<b><span style="background: white;">15. Thinner or fatter?</span></b><br />
<span style="background: white;">Thinner but not in
a good way – need to pick up weight again- lost due to ill health<br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">16. Richer or poorer?</span></b><br />
<span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Richer for a change<br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">17. What do you wish you'd done more
of?</span></b><br />
<span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Writing my blog and
book<br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">18. What do you wish you'd done less
of?</span></b><br />
<span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Worrying about crap
that I have no control over. Worrying about my health. Worrying about
stupid failed relationships that should not have started in the first place. </span><br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">19. How did you spend Christmas?</span></b><br />
<span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">We had a great
little Christmas with our immediate family.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">20. Did you fall in love in 2013?</span></b><br />
<span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Nope<br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">21. What was your favorite TV program?</span></b><br />
<span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Still Grey’s
Anatomy<br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">22. Do you hate anyone now that you
didn't hate this time last year?</span></b><br />
<span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">I try NOT to hate,
sometimes it’s hard. I dislike intensely some people that have hurt me really
badly<br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">23. What was the best book you read?</span></b><br />
Between Mother and Child – Elizabeth Noble<br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">24. What was your greatest musical
discovery?</span></b><br />
<span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">No new music –
rediscovered some great oldies though </span><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-family: Wingdings; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">J</span><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">25. What did you want and get?</span></b><br />
<span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">A fair outcome at
my place of work – a financial windfall that I doubted would materialize. Also
my lovely new Hyundai i20 (car)<br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">26. What did you want and not get?</span></b><br />
<span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">To get better this
year </span><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-family: Wingdings; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">L</span><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">27. What were your favorite films of
this year<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Watched too many but none really stand out as classics<br />
<br />
<b><span style="background: white;">28. What did you do on your birthday?</span></b><br />
<span style="background: white;">Went to dinner
at a lovely restaurant with some friends<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<b><span style="background: white;">29. How would you describe your
personal fashion concept in 2013?</span></b><br />
<span style="background: white;">WHAHAHAHA – have
none – own personal style which no one else likes or understands<br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">30. What kept you sane?</span></b><br />
<span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Family and friends,
the internet<br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">31. Which celebrity/public figure did
you fancy the most?</span></b><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">None – do people actually answer this??<br />
<br />
<b><span style="background: white;">32. What political issue stirred you
the most?</span></b><br />
<span style="background: white;">Our government is a
joke – not stirred so much as appalled and bemused<br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">33. Who did you miss?</span></b><br />
Eric – always. My friend Mark who died a while
ago. Friends who seem to have deserted me.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">34. Who was the best new person you
met?</span></b><br />
<span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Barry du Plooy </span><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-family: Wingdings; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">J</span><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"> <br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">35. Tell us a valuable life lesson
you learned in 2013?</span></b><br />
<span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Forgiveness is key
to healing<br />
<br />
<b><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">36. Quote a song lyric that sums up
your year:</span></b><br />
<span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">I took my love, I took it down</span><br />
Climbed a mountain and I turned around<br />
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills<br />
’till the landslide brought me down<br />
<br />
Oh, mirror in the sky<br />
What is love<br />
Can the child within my heart rise above<br />
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides<br />
Can I handle the seasons of my life<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;">(Fleetwood Mac – Landslide)</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-69840355487694479752013-11-16T00:39:00.002-08:002013-11-16T00:39:57.431-08:00For those of you wondering how I am<div class="MsoNormal">
In a nutshell: crap. I have suffered through 3 weeks of pain
so far with little or no abating. I’ve been living on Schedule 6 painkillers as
well as Durogesic high dosage painkiller patches which seem to do little or
nothing to stop the pain. Translated – I have about 4 good hours a day and the
rest is pain. I have been nearly unable to do much even so much as get out of
bed or walk out the door to drive to the shop. Walking itself has become
painful. So in a last ditch endeavour I phoned the oncologist to see what can
be done. She admitted me to hospital in order to ‘break the pain cycle’. I have
been given intravenous morphine which helped for a bit but then again my pain
seemed to laugh at that and eventually it didn’t work either. The only real relief
comes from Pethedine injection which helps for 4 hours, puts me on a pink
fluffly cloud but then dumps me back into pain-filled reality once again. I’ve
now been in hospital 3 days. Today is the 4<sup>th</sup>. Yesterday I had a
tantrum with the nurses as my hand was starting to swell up due to the IV
coming out of position. They are almost never able to get the IV right with me
as ‘my veins are too small and knotted’. Their problem, not mine. Last night I
told them to remove the IV and never put it back, change the meds to whatever
else but not that. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today I saw my original oncologist Dr Nice (not her real
name <span style="font-family: Wingdings;">J</span>).
She has recommended a host of oral drugs including morphine. She’s also going
to call for blood tests to check for infection and kidney function. The kidney
function check is to see if I can now tolerate chemotherapy or not. I am still
undecided if that is the way I want to go. ALL I know now is I want the pain to
stop. It’s debilitating, depressing and downright nasty.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Emotionally I have been a bit of a train wreck too. Thank
God for my lovely and supportive family who have all stepped in to help me with
household tasks, Rhiannon and just general day to day stuff. Also am extremely
blessed that Rhiannon has a teacher at her school who’s daughter is friends
with Rhiannon and she is letting her stay there to study for exams - her daughter is also ADD and on Ritalin.
She is a blessing and I don’t know how to begin thanking her. My daughter
sounds very happy there even though she obviously is missing me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am due to get out of hospital on Tuesday – hopefully I
will be if not totally pain-free at least able to function and the pain will be under
control. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have been having really dark thoughts about everyone who
is healthy. I am jealous, angry, having small tantrums in my head at all the ‘shiny,
happy people’ especially on Facebook who’s lives seem to be but a dream but
rationally I know I cannot compare myself to them. Some friends have been
supportive, some have disappeared completely, which I am angry about but I cannot tell what
I would have done if the situation was reversed. Some people know what to say
and others are completely tactless. That’s just the way it is I guess.
Hopefully there is light at the end of this very dark tunnel and maybe the
saying that it’s always darkest just before the dawn will ring true in my case.
I really hope and pray so. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-61345744198390637712013-08-23T12:42:00.000-07:002013-08-23T12:42:02.089-07:00Pre Birthday MusingsSo I here I sit on the eve of my (number deleted to protect the innocent) birthday. Reflecting on the past year and wondering about the foreseeable future. Quite a bit has changed. Last year this time I was living in Kenridge with my then boyfriend. I was employed as a project manager. I had been in the northern suburbs of Cape Town for nearly ten years and most importantly I was in remission from cancer, not just my first but my second remission. Was I happy? I think I was. Did I appreciate all I had? Probably not.<br /><br />On the night of my birthday last year things fell apart spectacularly with aforementioned boyfriend at a birthday celebration for both of us. We ended up having such a massive fight that even our friends decided to part company for fear of being caught in the crossfire. When we returned home, he continued to rant while I calmly locked myself and my daughter in my bedroom. A few days after this, I discovered he’d been lying to me about a lot of things and he moved out. It was horrible. Hurtful, messy, childish and just plain ugly. He left without any explanation, closure or words of apology. I am ashamed to admit I hounded him for a bit afterward as all I wanted was closure and to know if it had ALL been a lie. Looking back now I realize he was incapable of telling the truth so I was expecting the impossible from an emotionally immature person. He left me emotionally and financially drained. My trust in men and human beings in general was at an all time low. <div>
<br />Just prior to this I had a scare with a kidney infection. This caused a chain reaction of a battery of tests that I had to endure. Tests to confirm whether or not this was cancer related. Needless to say I was petrified. Having had cancer not once but twice, a hysterectomy and radiation, I was not prepared to go through this particular horror once again. At the same time the ex left, I had just come out of hospital for a kidney stent operation. This was due to damage caused by the radiation previously. The test to show the awful truth that yes I did in fact have cancer for a third time was only done in February this year. So last time this year, aside from being mildly and understandably paranoid, I was oblivious to this fact.<br /><br />Cut to the present. Tomorrow night I will be surrounded by family and friends for yet another birthday dinner. Tonight however I am alone. My daughter is at her dad’s for the weekend. We have moved to the southern suburbs. My cancer is… hmm I am not sure really. I've been in an out of hospital for infections and operations, the last one being about 3 weeks ago. I have been on alternate medication for a few months now as chemo (the one dose I had) did not agree with me to put it mildly. To put it honestly it nearly killed me. I am single by choice as I have no place in my life right now for anything other than my health and my daughter. I am no longer working as my contract was terminated due to ill health. I will be having a scan soon to ascertain whether the regimen I am on is working or not. A positive result would be my best birthday present ever. Life a year down the line is very different to what it was. I no longer drink, in fact it’s been about 6 months since I have had a glass of wine. Ongoing sobriety is a challenge but the clarity it provides is priceless. <br /><br /> So, tomorrow night Queen Bee shall be in da house. Tonight it’s just me and my grapetiser but strangely I am happy with that for now. Solitude has its own upside and is definitely worlds better than being lonely in a relationship with the wrong person. I am stronger and better than before and to quote a mantra I’ve been using: Every day in every way I’m getting better and better! </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-76602100448514020202013-08-06T07:32:00.002-07:002013-08-06T07:32:57.006-07:00Back from the edgeOK it's been nearly two months since my last post but a lot has been happening. Since the last Bertha there have been many developments.<br />
<br />
Bertha 1 was removed as they were going to stent the left pipe. That didn't work so after a few weeks I saw a new urologist (Dr Caring) who we love. He recommended a 2nd Bertha as an interim solution before major kidney op. I am not going into detail here for fear on chasing all (ok all 3) of my readers away screaming in horror. Suffice to say - the op took 3 hours, I was in hospital for 2 weeks and high care for 3 days. Once again, Panorama and their staff were amazing. The upside of this op means that I get to not die from acute renal failure and risk of infection is much reduced.<br />
<br />
In between all of this (as I am clearly totally insane) I decided to move house closer to the Southern Suburbs. There were many reasons for the move, financial and being closer to friends and family being but a few. My family were amazing and really just sorted out everything without me so much as packing a box. So now most of my stuff is in storage and I am living in a smaller place in Pinelands. I have simplified my life i.e. no pets, garden or pool maintenance to worry about. Rhiannon is ecstatic about moving and admitted to not being all that happy in Durbanville! So here I've been angsting over changing school and I really did not need to. In addition to moving house, I also managed to hit rock bottom with depression. Thankfully I got help in the form of an army of docs and buckets of drugs. :)<br />
<br />
One of the other reasons for the op is so that once kidney function has been restored I can then have chemo. Hmm - still not decided on that. I have been on the alternate meds now for about 2 months and I can honestly say I am feeling much better. My decision process will be based on going to have a scan soon at oncologist to see if the meds have reduced the tumour or not. If not, I will then have to decide about chemo.<br />
<br />
I cannot begin to describe to you how much better I feel now that I've moved and post op. I was able to start driving again late last week and that was so cool. I realised how depressed an environment which you are not happy in can make you. The house I was in was literally killing me as a result of bad memories and trapped bad energy. The house was cold ALL the time. I am in such a better place now both literally and metaphorically and cannot thank my best friend enough for allowing me to rent from her.<br />
<br />
So in conclusion all is well so far. I will keep you updated on my journey hopefully more regularly now as I am back and up and running on the 'interwebs.' :D<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-62064493372612639842013-08-06T03:06:00.003-07:002013-08-06T03:06:28.872-07:00I am backYes this is a tiny bit of a cop out of a blog post. Just to let you know I am still here, alive and well, but shall post update later today.<br />
<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-4052804535004323822013-05-15T07:45:00.000-07:002013-05-15T07:45:02.133-07:00Me and Bertha<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Remember that song me and Bobby McGee? Well I have a
variation on that now. Me and Bertha my bag. Sigh. Don’t mean to be gross but
let’s back track shall we. I went in to hospital (Panorama Mediclinic, awesome
hospital!) on Monday for a kidney procedure to have the left side drained to
try to clear blockage. This is all in aid of improving kidney function so I can
continue with treatment. So had the procedure done. The hospital and staff were
absolutely amazing and awesome. I never want to go to any other hospital again.
They were truly wonderful. I was discharged on Tuesday morning with an
attachment – a drain from the kidney pipe. The doc says I need to keep this on
till next Wednesday when I see him again. He will then measure creatine levels and
schedule a stent operation for left side kidney. I am feeling good on the
whole. The pain I had when I went into hospital was awful but that has now
subsided and any pain I do experience is manageable with painkillers. So for now
it’s me and Bertha the bag. <o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-76803112066190697682013-05-11T03:54:00.002-07:002013-05-11T03:54:21.998-07:00Hall of Mirrors<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes this journey is like a hall of mirrors with
different things behind each door. Ooh look behind door one we have tadaaa –
blood transfusion. Next fun door is yaaay – blood tests. And that next one over
there wow – we have e-coli! Yaaay. Sigh. I just feel like nothing is simple at
the moment. Can’t I just get treated for this disease without all the added
complications? It’s like playing musical chairs, when the music stops, we have
another obstacle to face before we can get to the treatment. So I have had
quite a time of it – been in hospital again for a blood transfusion this time
because my blood count was too low for treatment. Then when I got out of
hospital discovered that I had an infection, again so have to be treated for
that. Then kidney function not good enough, so guess what BACK to hospital
again on Monday for a procedure to treat that. I feel like a 2<sup>nd</sup>
hand car with all my bits falling out. So Monday I go into hospital again then
we see what happens next i.e. if kidney function improves what route do we
follow. A friend of mine is sourcing THC oil for me and I am very keen to try
that. I am still positive just a little tired of all the obstacles. On the up
side my company has declared me a remote worker for the time of my treatment.
This is a huge weight off my shoulders. I can do my job but not have to stress
about going into the office every day. I am very grateful to them for all their
support. Keep you all posted. <o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-80430628024139292632013-04-30T04:17:00.003-07:002013-04-30T04:17:40.640-07:00On the Road to Recovery<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Last night I went for another scan with my alternate healer and
was corrected with the name. It’s not RIFE (that’s the machine that I am using
for treatment), however the scan is called <a href="http://www.energetic-medicine.net/etascan.html">ETA</a>. See my hyperlink for further
details on that. Anyway the scan showed VERY positive results and improvement
in all areas so all this means that I am doing (combination thereof) is working! Small
happy dance. <span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today was supposed to be chemo day but my oncology doc is
being very cautious. My HG (haemoglobin) count was 1.8 below what it should be
so I am being booked in today to hospital for a blood transfusion. Chemo will
then be postponed until next week Tuesday. I am VERY happy with the doctor’s
approach and she is very satisfied with all my symptom reduction and progress
so far. I am now quietly confident that all will be well. So it’s off to
hospital for me at 3pm today but not fussed, this is just another tool, part of
the process. Last time after transfusion I felt wonderful so hope to feel the
same this time, even though I am not feeling bad at all – no tiredness etc.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I also 'test drove’ the wig today out in public to a
hugely positive reaction – winner! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So far so good everyone – so please keep up the positive messages, vibrations, prayers etc. They are definitely working and helping! <span style="font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-69121249501513978142013-04-29T02:12:00.002-07:002013-04-29T02:12:46.172-07:00Angel Card Reading I received today<br />
<div style="background-color: white; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
<b><i><span style="color: purple;">If you are in anyway averse to 'shoowaah' hippy stuff then please look away now. For those of you interested here is my card reading I receive weekly. This one is particularly pertinent to me and my situation so I thought I would share it. </span></i></b></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
The Eyes of Beauty <img alt="eyes of beauty" height="200" src="http://ih.constantcontact.com/fs170/1103522065062/img/858.jpg" style="background-color: transparent;" width="139" /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
Positive expectations, clarity</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
Drawn from: Wisdom of the Hidden Realms - Colette Baron-Reid</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
The Eyes of Beauty require you to examine your perceptions. Do you see the world as perfect and beautiful? Can you retrace your steps from your past to now and see the perfection in the way reality has been created?</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
Truly, perception is everything.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
A glass half-empty is the same asa glass half-full, yet so different according to how it's perceived.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
The Eyes of Beauty remind youthat if you move forward with conviction, all is well now and always will be.You will see true prosperity as a result.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
Expect to see beauty and you willattract your highest good.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
Affirmation: I AM pure potential!Today I step out of my comfort zone into my possibility zone.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
Kynite <img alt="kynite" height="200" src="http://ih.constantcontact.com/fs170/1103522065062/img/859.jpg" style="background-color: transparent;" width="130" /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
Inner Bridges - Storm Element</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
Drawn from: The Crystal AllyCards - Naisha Ahsian</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
Kyanite has come to you to aidyou in making those inner and outer connections that are necessary for yourdevelopment.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
Perhaps a new relationship or opportunity is moving your way which will aid you on your path. Or perhaps you are being asked to "make the connection" between disparate aspects of your life.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
All events and circumstances in our lives are a silent dance that the Universe orchestrates for our highest good. Every coincidence or happenstance is actually a carefully planned event that connects you to your next level of learning. Beneath every event and circumstance is the hand of the Divine, co-creating with you in your life.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
Kyanite is sending you a messagethat the obstacles that you see on your path will soon be overcome. New bridgeswill be built that will carry you over difficulty, and will allow you toperceive your connection to the Divine</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
Affirmation: The Universe isworking to connect me with my highest good.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
Energy Work <img alt="energy work" height="200" src="http://ih.constantcontact.com/fs170/1103522065062/img/860.jpg" style="background-color: transparent;" width="141" /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
Life can be electrifying becauseits very essence is energy. Your body is a remarkable energy field that willpositively respond to loving treatments. Your hands and heart are activated togive healing energy to your loved ones and clients.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
Drawn from: Daily Guidance from your Angels Oracle Cards - Doreen Virtue</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
You received this card because the Angels say you would benefit from energy work, such as Reiki, the Journey or Angel Healing. You can find a qualified practitioner by contacting About Holistic Website.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
The Angels suggest that you initiate a session where you'd receive an energy healing treatment.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
This card can also signify the Angels' message that your life purpose involves giving energy healing work to others. If you have training in this respect, or you've been guided to seek such training, this card is a sign that you would excel in this area,</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
Clear the energy in your home or other environments. You're very sensitive to energy, so regularly clear yourself of any energy you may have absorbed. Shield yourself by visualizing yourself surrounded by protective white and purple light. Take courses on energy healing work.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.5px;">
Affirmation: I am standing in the pure white light of God; I am free of all negative energy surrounding me</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-19067729722583858192013-04-28T09:21:00.001-07:002013-04-28T09:21:26.372-07:00Gotta wear shades<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
So it’s the Sunday before blood test Monday and chemo
Tuesday. I have mixed feelings vacillating between quiet confidence and utter
panic. The chemo side effects were worsened about 100x last time due to the
infection I had. I am HOPING this time it won’t be so bad and I won’t get an
infection. The past week I have gradually started feeling better and better.
The good news is that I am almost symptom free. My pain levels are almost nonexistent
and if I do have pain it is manageable with Panado so very low level. I have
received 2 supplements which I ordered online called <a href="http://www.biosil.co.za/products/bio-sil-graviola">Graviola</a> (supposed to eat
cancer cells) and <a href="http://www.biosil.co.za/products/bio-sil-moringa-super-food">Moringa</a> (an anti-oxidant and immune booster). I have been
taking these recently and also doing my Rife treatments which are also immune
boosting. With all of this as armour I am hoping that the chemo will NOT affect
me so badly. It feels SO good to feel good and healthy. I’ve also chopped most
of my hair off as it was beginning to fall out. Soon I will be rocking the bald
look or wigs – am going wig shopping with my dear friend and stylist tomorrow. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Right now the future looks so bright I’m gonna wear my shades! <span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0svTi3VEfv1LMA7zzE7OQmo7W9kSF39YunydQA4Z22lHlxnZZWu6mw_ee0gugzw1ONNS8qJCANjxvVebuzIZ2HXoj2NExJqfJUGXAWcil9qUeJ1wU1vX8nDi1ENXfSkfzPkgrYSCWEyG_/s1600/shades.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0svTi3VEfv1LMA7zzE7OQmo7W9kSF39YunydQA4Z22lHlxnZZWu6mw_ee0gugzw1ONNS8qJCANjxvVebuzIZ2HXoj2NExJqfJUGXAWcil9qUeJ1wU1vX8nDi1ENXfSkfzPkgrYSCWEyG_/s1600/shades.jpg" height="320" width="298" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><br /></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-48710647412482884962013-04-23T12:17:00.001-07:002013-04-23T12:17:24.709-07:00Happy Go Lucky Bee<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Just realised I usually only blog when I have something to
moan about. So today I am going to break that mold. I have absolutely not one
complaint today. Today everything is good. I have no pain. I feel fantastic. My
spirits are high. I had a very, very good day. Today was also basically my last
day of ‘loafing about’. I have officially been booked off for the week but I am
SUCH a nerd I phoned my boss and asked her if I could work from home from
tomorrow for the rest of the week. So to celebrate I took my parents and
daughter out to lunch at Nitida wine farm. It was completely divine and
relaxing. Still not done celebrating I then went shopping for some home décor stuff
(moving in June to a lovely new home), then home to makeover my daughter’s room.
The room now looks completely awesome and I realized I have missed my calling.
Should bloody well be decorating or writing or a combination of the two. Hehe.
Total dreaming of course as a change in career at this late stage in life might
well be career suicide. Sigh. Maybe I shall just start a little on the side
business whilst I continue with my project management career day job. That’s it
from me today folks. Hope you all have a good and restful evening. And no it’s
not the drugs talking! <span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-11095918594999257612013-04-22T14:00:00.004-07:002013-04-22T14:00:48.354-07:00Paper Bag<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Right so I was re-admitted to hospital on Friday feeling
like an absolute paper bag, wash out, heroin junkie, just in general really,
really bad. I looked worse than I felt if that could possibly be imagined. My
dear dad drove me to the hospital – I was wheeled into admissions and the irritating
poppie robot behind the desk started filling in her million forms in triplicate
then actually looked at me and in a sickly sweet, poppie, saccharine voice said “Oh lovey do you want to
go to the ward NOW?” No darling what I would really like to do is punch you in
the face but that’s not gonna happen now is it? I’m just sitting here doubled over in pain and having a major panic
attack but I’ll be just peachy – thanks, let’s do lunch. And maybe I showed her
the universal call me symbol. What I actually said was GRUNT or words to that
effect. So I was allowed to go to the ward – oh joy. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had to wait for the nurses to do their dance of admission,
tests, paperwork etc etc before being told that the doctor would see me to
prescribe something at 3pm. I was admitted at 1pm. Long, long interminably long
wait. Eventually saw dear Doctor Sweet who pronounced that I had e coli and
needed to be treated accordingly. Great, Houston – we have a plan. She piled me
with all manner of drugs including tranqs, anti biotics, pain killers etc, a
veritable smorgasbord. Felt a lot better (cloudy / fuzzy) after that, still the
weak and fuzzy feeling remained, very unpleasant. Doc told me I had to stay in
hospital till Monday, then be off work for another week and then come back the
week after that for second chemo cycle. I kinda wondered where I was going to
have time to fit work into this busy regime. Doc took care of that by phoning
my place of work to explain the recent turn of events to my dear colleague. I
was then literally hooked up to an IV after several unsuccessful botched
attempts to find a vein. Suffice to say I have bruises in places now that are
not pretty. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I settled into my
ward with my roomies mostly older woman but all fairly pleasant and chatty. I
was in no mood to win friends and influence people however. Stayed in hospital
for 3 days, the highlight of which was a particularly raucous visit from 10 friends
and family on Saturday. This prompted a rather angrily worded sign on the door
shouting ONLY 2 VISITORS PER BED! Oops. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p>On Sunday I started feeling semi human again thank God and
was discharged much to my great delight. I am now booked off with strict
instructions to take it easy at home till Friday. Then next Tuesday the 2<sup>nd</sup>
chemo cycle begins. According to docs, this should be easier as my blood count
is good and infection will be cleared up. We shall see.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am now at home and feeling WORLDS better. My doctor was
frankly amazed at my rapid recovery! I am in 3 minds about doing chemo again
but am pondering and will let you all know.<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-51625538549707029362013-04-17T06:09:00.000-07:002013-04-17T06:09:34.176-07:00Chemo Kicking AssOK to say the side effects have kicked my ass is literally an understatement. They started on Thursday, On Sunday I was admitted to hospital as I was having delirium tremens, hot and cold and just generally feeling weak and revolting. They discharged me on Tuesday but I am booked off till Friday with strict instructions to rest and take it easy. So I am trying to do that without driving myself mad from boredom and sleep overload. Anyone who has any words of wisdom NOW would be the time to share please.<br />
<br />
On the good news side, my blood count is good and my kidney function is vastly improved from just 1 treatment.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-86615331019996714082013-04-09T22:10:00.001-07:002013-04-09T22:10:43.076-07:00Super Woman - 1 Chemo down 5 to go!<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yesterday was my first chemo treatment day. I was filled
with mixed emotions ranging from apprehension to fear etc. The night before I
had a Rife scan and this showed that on a cell level my body is in a very good
state for healing. Blood also looked good according to the scan so that was
good news. I am continuing with the Rife treatments to support me through the
chemo in terms of support to immune system etc . so that seems to be working
very well! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So the morning arrived and first thing to do was to get
blood tests done. My appointment with my doctor was for 10h30. She examined me
and pronounced all was well from that. The blood tests arrived and all looked
good for blood counts. So in I went to the chemo room for first treatment. The
drug they are using in Taxotere and I received a pamphlet with it as to what to
expect, also some meds to help me with nausea – not cheap these either approx. R600
for 3 tabs!! The treatment is intravenous and took about 1hr and 45 minutes to
complete during which time I was chatting on gmail and facebook on my phone and
reading a book. The one thing I forgot about which happened last time was that
once they put the 2<sup>nd</sup> bag on which is basically saline to flush the
drugs through your system, your bladder wants to work immediately and a lot.
Due to my current bladder problem that caused an issue. So I moved self from
the very comfy easy chair into the room with a bed dragging my drip behind me.
I must say both treatment rooms are the epitome of comfort. On the easy chair I
had a foot rest and a blanket and constant offers of help and tea from the
nurses. They are very good at Solway treatment centre. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They also gave me a blue premed pill which made me very
sleepy and rendered me unable to drive home. So once again the cavalry in form
of good friend and my dad arrived to get me and my car home. Lesson learned,
next time I won’t be driving myself to treatment! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I got home at about 3pm quite tired but in good spirits, no
pain no nausea and no side effects just yet. Had a nice dinner and an early
night. My other good friend, insisted on replacing my old stupid fridge (just
broken down recently) for me, so that was so cool of her – am VERY excited
about that! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This morning I woke up feeling absolutely great. I am still
taking the very expensive anti nausea tabs but SO FAR have had no side effects.
I am feeling a little weak but I am sure sleep and food will sort that out
pronto. I don’t want to preempt anything too much and will take it 1 hour, 1
day at a time but so far am feeling really good! <o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-11943993843441479202013-04-07T02:39:00.002-07:002013-04-07T02:39:43.951-07:00Vampire Diaries<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Phew it’s been a bumpy ride lately. My chemo was supposed to
start on Tuesday last week after the long weekend. On the Monday holiday, I
found myself incapable of getting out of bed. I was weak and felt nauseous, not
a good combo. My dear daughter actually took my temperature and then called my
parents to come through. I heard her outside on the phone saying: “Mommy is not
well, please come and help.” Bless her little cotton socks. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I called the oncologist who told me to stay in bed and have
some blood tests done in the morning before coming to have chemo. So Tuesday
morning I did the blood tests which showed that I had lost a lot of blood and
blood counts were very low. So low in fact that I needed to be admitted for a
blood transfusion. Chemo would not be happening that day. I was admitted to the
ward and had the transfusion overnight. It was not a pleasant experience but I
seriously felt like a new person once the new blood was running through my
veins, quite amazing. I was discharged the next morning and have been booked
off work since then. On Tuesday I will go for more blood tests and then they
will determine if I can start chemo. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They have put me on antibiotics for infection as well as
given me stuff to stop the bleeding. At this point I am really feeling
fantastic. I have NO pain, no infection and feel stronger than I have in a long
time. I am at odds though about the chemo. It seems the universe is trying to
delay this and I need to listen to that warning. My gut feel is still not
entirely convinced that chemo is the right way to go but I also don’t feel like
I have any other viable option. I am doing all the ‘other’ work and
alternatives but I need to feel absolutely convinced about my treatment plan. I
am working on this through some therapy and await a bolt of lightning to show
me the way! <o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-56451052426639968732013-03-29T07:59:00.000-07:002013-03-29T07:59:30.120-07:00Hair today, gone tomorrow<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Right, so the cavalry have packed up and headed home for a
brief spell last night. It was awesome to have my mom around as this week has
been unpredictable with regard to pain. Some days really bad and others no pain
at all. I am continuing with the <a href="http://educate-yourself.org/gw/rifedeathofcancerindustry%20.shtml">Rife</a> treatments in order to build my immune
system in preparation for chemo. Mom was a blessing helping out with the
household chores and looking after Rhiannon. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the meantime, I have had another session with the German
therapist which brought up a lot of pent up anger and unspoken, forgotten
emotions relating to past relationships. The release was huge and came in the
form of much pain and depression, lots of crying. The release itself was not
fun, but the feeling after was indescribably lovely. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve also been given the go-ahead for chemo. My first
treatment on is scheduled for 2 April just after the long Easter weekend. I am
apprehensive but not nervous. I still see this as yet another tool on my road
to recovery. If I look at it any other way I will defeat the object. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On the whole, I have been feeling what I can only describe
as grateful. A lot of things are coming together in my life and seem to be making
a lot more sense. I wake up each day with a background feeling of excitement
that this is a new day with a new challenge and one day / step closer to
perfect health. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have chopped most (not all) of my hair off in preparation
for chemo. I now have a short bob after 11 years of having very long hair. It’s
a huge change but it feels great, like a huge weight has lifted off me. When my
hair eventually falls out, I will invest in wigs and plan to have lots of fun
with those. The reaction to my new hair has been awesome. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Everyone thinks it
looks cool so that’s also added to my general sense of well-being. In short,
things are good right now. I am relaxing on the long Easter weekend with
friends and family. Tuesday looms but no longer with the sense of dread or
horror which I previously felt towards chemo. I will keep you all updated. <o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-14636317577031752752013-03-25T06:05:00.003-07:002013-03-25T06:05:42.941-07:00Get by with a little help...<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have been taking some time out from writing to process a
few things. The stages of grief or loss which we go through definitely are
happening with me but I seem to find myself stuck on repeat on some of the
stages. Today grief has attacked me big time. It’s not that anything is different
- it’s just a processing of emotions I
guess. I have been doing quite a lot of work on emotional healing and release
so maybe this is part of that process too. Whatever the cause, I have been
feeling spectacularly crappy. So today I called in the cavalry – my dear
parents who will stay with me for a little while to help. My pain levels have
also increased so I need to get stronger pain meds from the pharmacy today.
Dear Dr. Handsome has already sent the script through to them. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My chemo treatment has not yet started but I received a
notification from the medical aid to say that 2 cycles are approved and then to
re-assess before the 3<sup>rd</sup>. I have no idea what this means, so am
trying to get hold of the oncologist to shed some light on this. While I am not
looking forward to doing chemo, I am also tired of being stuck in this nowhere
holding pattern. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To update you on the sonar scan I had a little while ago,
the findings were that there is a 6cm mass in the pelvic area. They can see no
spreading though and could not determine whether it is encroaching on the
bladder or not. They were unable to measure against the previous scan as no
measurement was taken initially. The good news from that whole hullaballoo is
no spreading, so we focus on the positive and try and move forward. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As we speak, my dad is sweeping the yard outside and my mom
has just brought me a sandwich for lunch. Love my dear parents, and like my sister
says, maybe I need to learn to ask for help a little more. <o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-13638385297797239472013-03-18T04:59:00.002-07:002013-03-18T04:59:53.421-07:00My Best Friend<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I was a very young girl of 10, I met an amazing person
who was to become my very best friend in the whole entire world. I had no idea
of this at the time, just that we were buddies and got on really well. We met
at primary school and our friendship continued into high school and transcended
the fact that we went to different schools or moved to various places. After
school we still kept touch but we had a bit of a rough patch in which we hated
our respective boyfriends. That lasted for 7 years but we managed to rekindle
our friendship and continue after that where we had left off. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My friend and I have weathered many storms. We have shared
first loves, broken hearts, many nights agonizing over Mr Right, Mr Wrong and
Mr In Between. We have laughed a lot and had so many good times I can’t even
begin to tell you. Our friendship has a soundtrack – it’s the soundtrack of our
lives and it follows us wherever we go. My friend is beyond being my sister –
she and I truly are soul sisters. She is the most awesome person I have the
privilege of knowing. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So on Friday when I was told the news that she had bone
marrow cancer, I was not quite sure how to react. This is a road I don’t wish
to share with anyone – not meaning that selfishly. I mean this is not a nice
road, it’s interesting and awareness making, sure, but it’s not pleasant. So
now my friend and I have one more thing to share, cancer. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I went to visit her in hospital on Saturday. She seems in
good spirits and was very happy to see me. Her treatment will start on Monday
and she will be hospitalized for a month. All of you out there who are rooting
and praying for me, please do so for my friend as well. <o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-48481285097909826452013-03-14T03:23:00.003-07:002013-03-14T03:23:32.833-07:00Some Good News<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know I have been a bit quiet of late and no it’s not due
to falling off the planet or suicidal tendencies. Mostly I have been quite
fine. I experienced quite bad pain the other day and am now supplementing my
pain patches with pain tablets as per the doctor’s advice. On the upside, it
looks like my bladder side effect is calming down and not as bad as it was.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On Sunday night, I had a family constellation therapy
session with my friend in Germany over Skype. At one point in the conversation,
he said he can’t detect the cancer anymore, that it’s gone. I was somewhat
taken aback and confused but he was adamant saying he is hardly ever wrong. We
agreed that I would go and do some tests and see what the doctors have to say
about my condition based on that. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I then scheduled a sonar scan, a rife scan and a pap smear
with three separate doctors for early in this week. Yesterday was the pap smear
appointment. I realized while driving there that this was not going to show up
any different due to the dead tissue inside me it would still show abnormal
cells. I ended up chatting to my GP for 45 minutes as she was very interested
to hear what I have been doing to try and treat the cancer. She has some books
and CD’s she will be loaning me so that was good. At 6pm I went off to have the
Rife scan. Previously I had done this on 18 February, so this is almost 1 month
later. She started scanning me and looking slightly disbelieving. She then
showed me the results. Overall system and organ function has improved by 51%.
In the diseased area there is a 41% improvement rate. In my digestive and colon
a 30% improvement since last scan. She looked at me and said that the usual
rate of improvement in a month is average about 6 or 7%. This never happens. I
told her what I had been doing and she was amazed. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She then gave me the Rife machine which she has programmed
specifically for me. I will do 1 treatment a day on it and it will do various
things such as support my immune system, take care of infection, manage pain as
well as treat the cancer. As she said, things can only improve more now that I
have the Rife machine at my disposal. She has given me a schedule to work with
for a period of 1 month.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Tomorrow I have a sonar scan scheduled and then a follow-up
with the oncologist to discuss the results on Tuesday. I want her to compare
the last scan done on 5<sup>th</sup> Feb to this one and see if there is any
marked change. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am in a weird mood. I feel like running up and down and
jumping in some moments and then others my skeptic comes in and says no this
can’t be happening. I truly DO believe I am on the right track to recovery and
that all I have been doing thus far is right and is working! I just need to
shut up my inner cynic and not listen to her! <o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-19867394236730715522013-03-07T05:01:00.001-08:002013-03-07T05:02:26.408-08:00Healing Room<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today I woke up happy. Yes I am well aware of how crazy that
sounds. I have not been waking up happy for quite a long time now so it IS a
day to celebrate. There are a number of factors at play here one of them being
my pain patch kicking in. One doesn’t realize the exhausting effects of
constant pain until it is simply no longer there. Secondly, I think my happy
pills (anti -depressants) kicked in on the same day (DOUBLE whammy bonus!) I checked in the box and sure enough I am on
day 12 so it should be around now they can start working.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then unrelated to any physical explanation (and let me warn
you I am going to sound loopy to some of you), I had an extremely weird
experience last night as I slept / half dozed. I was in a half dream, half
sleep state and I could hear voices chattering, one being my own but many
others. I was aware my eyes were shut and the chattering was about me and my
situation. As the talking continued, I had an overwhelming sense of release and
lift as though the talking was doing healing work. The feeling that came over
me was warm and very happy, in fact I think I woke up grinning. So, I have NO
rational explanation for that aside from the emotional / spiritual healing I
have been doing. Something changed, was shifted big time last night and it felt
amazing. My one therapist puts it down to my own healing power working along
with my guides. Whatever it is, I feel marvelous and a LOT more positive than I
have in weeks!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am reminded of a song by <span style="background-color: white; color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">(Sinéad O'Connor)</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;"> - the Healing Room</span></div>
<br style="background-color: white; color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">I have a universe inside me </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">Where I can go and spirit guides me </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">There I can ask oh any question </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">I get the answers if I listen </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">I have a healing room inside me </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">The loving healers there they feed me </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">They make me happy with their laughter </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">They kiss and tell me I'm their daughter </span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-52593386048592402012013-03-06T10:36:00.002-08:002013-03-06T10:36:52.542-08:00Pre Chemo Emo<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Six days to go before my first chemo session and I am a
bundle of nerves. Last night I hit an all-time low on the emotion scale and
could not stop crying. I am learning to be ok with the crying – to be with the
sadness and not shrink from it. That way maybe I can let it go. My mom is here
for a few days helping me out with my daughter and quite honestly I don’t know
what I would have done without her. Sometimes you can’t prepare yourself for
the level of helplessness that you feel. The last two days were like that. I
was incapable of thinking or doing for myself so mom stepped in. God bless her
cotton socks. Today I felt stronger and actually went to work. The doctor (Dr. Handsome)
has recommended a pain patch (similar to morphine but not morphine). They are
hellishly expensive so not a drug habit I can afford to upkeep for a long time.
They’re slow release and you wear the patch for 2 to 3 days. I can already feel
an unclenching in my muscles so that’s a good sign. The pain that I was
experiencing was in my abdominal area and on a level of about 7 out of 10
although not constant, it would come and go. So on we go – it is a daily choice
that I have to make – how shall I feel today and not always under my control.
But I feel that I am getting better at it. One day and one step at a time – I am
determined to fight this with all that I have and win! <o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-12532695225799748412013-03-04T02:10:00.000-08:002013-03-04T02:10:18.428-08:00Silence<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s been a particularly difficult last few days, hence I’ve
been rather quiet on the blogging front. I have been in pain as well as
emotional distress. I think all the treatments I have been doing have
highlighted issues that I need to deal with and this is causing the sadness. In
addition to that my happy pills are not yet kicking in – think they’re
inhibiting serotonin at the moment which could also account for my bleak state.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have had wonderful support from friends and family. Thanks
to all of you – you know who you are. I still can’t shake a feeling of
loneliness though, that no matter how many people I talk to or are there for
me, that ultimately I have to do this alone. That’s a scary thought. I’ve been
having lots of scary thoughts lately which I guess is also part of the process.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I start with the chemo treatment on 12<sup>th</sup> March
and will keep you all posted on how that goes. I am nervous as hell about it
but this too shall pass I hope. <o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-11990400663069343162013-02-26T04:33:00.002-08:002013-02-26T04:33:48.621-08:00Searching for Mr. Good Treatment<i>Apologies to the movie referenced in title with Richard Gere - <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Looking_for_Mr._Goodbar_(film)">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Looking_for_Mr._Goodbar_(film</a></i><br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
My mood has not been the best of late. I have been hunting
high and low for treatment which suits me, my budget, my personality, my gut
feel. It’s not easy. I’ve also been battling the ‘to do chemo’ vs. ‘not to do
chemo’ debate. On the one hand it could save my life, on the other could ruin
my health and immune system – not a great choice. So I have been doing a lot of
research and speaking to many people. I’ve had some therapy treatments on the emotional
and spiritual side and those were great. Still I did not have the answer I
wanted. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The one answer I received was you need to know and ‘feel’
the best treatment for you personally and that only you can decide. Tough one.
So with all my preconceptions about chemo and all my natural leanings towards
the ‘hippy’ way this was a very hard decision to come to.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today I had the appointment with my oncologist to discuss
treatment. She is lovely – we will call her Dr Kind. She explained everything
to me – what chemo treatment they can offer me and why. We spoke in great
length about the side effects and any questions I had she answered. She even
offered the services of a social worker should I feel that my daughter may need
counseling. In short, she was amazing. She put me at ease and I feel much more
confident and in control about the chemo now. It’s no longer the big bad wolf
at the door. I am not going to lie and say this is going to be an easy road but
at least now I am informed. The monster has been demystified and it’s not
really a monster, it’s just another tool that can help me on my road to perfect
health. <o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-25235852568384988202013-02-25T01:19:00.001-08:002013-02-25T01:19:15.603-08:00Random Shrieking<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Welcome to my Monday. Please fasten your seat belts, it’s
going to be a bumpy ride. Sudden mood swings, changes of subject and random
shrieking may occur. That is sort of how I feel today. The weekend was good and
I spent it with family having a chilled time. Sunday night however, fear came crashing
back in and I was not all that good. I have my upcoming appointment with the
oncologist on Tuesday and for some irrational reason I am nervous. She will
probably be telling me about my chemo programme – what to expect, dates etc.
This doesn’t fill me with joy. I know I need to do all that is in my power to
beat this thing – still the thought of chemo scares me. I am no longer in
denial, I have accepted this is the way that I have chosen but that still does nothing to stop the fear. I
want to go to bed for 6 months, press a fast forward button and make this all
go away. Childish and irrational as that sounds, that is really how I feel. <o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7598353972492664918.post-56033619907260722962013-02-22T04:26:00.002-08:002013-02-22T04:26:15.472-08:00BreakthroughsLast night I had my first theta healing session and it was
nothing short of amazing! What the treatment does it to bring out any issues
that are blockages and release these by‘re-programming’ the way your brain
reacts to the trigger / issue. So much stuff came up and I will not bore you
with all the details. Suffice to say there were a lot of anger and trust
issues. I was able to come to terms with ‘accepting’ the cancer which I wasn’t
even able to admit to myself that I was unable to do before. This means
accepting in the way that I am not in denial of it – accepting that it is there
and that it needs to be dealt with. She also dealt with my thyroid as this was
apparently causing me to feel exhausted – very true! Some of the issues that
were highlighted were buried so deep in my sub conscious that I wasn’t even
aware of them before. After the session I felt calm, relaxed and revitalized.<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This morning I was able to go for my blood tests and x-rays
with a great sense of calm, no drama and no panic feelings. I then made an
appointment with the oncologist for next Tuesday. After this I went to the
library to get some books and found some great books i.e. “The Journey” by
Brandon Bays which I have read before but need to re-read as well as ‘Shattering
the Cancer Myth” which details a whole host of alternate cancer cures and
therapies. I have LOTS of reading work to do! I have also started reading the
Emotion Code and plan to do some work with that. The book deals with the
premise that all disease is as a result of trapped emotion in the body and how
to release these. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel that things are being shown to me and that I am being
guided on the right path. Yesterday for example I was in the chemist looking for
some vitamins and was drawn to a herbal detox called Dandelion. When I looked
it up in the book, it appears it is the exact right thing I need for all my
ailments including cancer right now. Somehow my body knew that’s what it needed
and chose it. This morning two separate people told me about a plant called sour
sop (graviola) which is apparently a great natural treatment for cancer. I am
going to order that in next week. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It may sound like I am all over the place but I believe
there is a lot of necessary healing work that I am doing on ALL levels and I am
excited that things are moving so quickly. I have also accepted that the chemo
will be a necessary part of my healing. I need to do as many things as I can in
tandem to kick this cancer’s ass and beat it once and for all. Also, like my
theta therapist said, one cannot do too much and cannot do too little; you have
to choose what is right for you. There are so many options out there that the
choices alone could drive you insane (in my case, insaner) so I am picking and
choosing and rejecting as I see fit. What feels right stays, what doesn’t goes. <o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06245907857402811172noreply@blogger.com0