Saturday, November 16, 2013

For those of you wondering how I am

In a nutshell: crap. I have suffered through 3 weeks of pain so far with little or no abating. I’ve been living on Schedule 6 painkillers as well as Durogesic high dosage painkiller patches which seem to do little or nothing to stop the pain. Translated – I have about 4 good hours a day and the rest is pain. I have been nearly unable to do much even so much as get out of bed or walk out the door to drive to the shop. Walking itself has become painful. So in a last ditch endeavour I phoned the oncologist to see what can be done. She admitted me to hospital in order to ‘break the pain cycle’. I have been given intravenous morphine which helped for a bit but then again my pain seemed to laugh at that and eventually it didn’t work either. The only real relief comes from Pethedine injection which helps for 4 hours, puts me on a pink fluffly cloud but then dumps me back into pain-filled reality once again. I’ve now been in hospital 3 days. Today is the 4th. Yesterday I had a tantrum with the nurses as my hand was starting to swell up due to the IV coming out of position. They are almost never able to get the IV right with me as ‘my veins are too small and knotted’. Their problem, not mine. Last night I told them to remove the IV and never put it back, change the meds to whatever else but not that. 

Today I saw my original oncologist Dr Nice (not her real name J). She has recommended a host of oral drugs including morphine. She’s also going to call for blood tests to check for infection and kidney function. The kidney function check is to see if I can now tolerate chemotherapy or not. I am still undecided if that is the way I want to go. ALL I know now is I want the pain to stop. It’s debilitating, depressing and downright nasty.

Emotionally I have been a bit of a train wreck too. Thank God for my lovely and supportive family who have all stepped in to help me with household tasks, Rhiannon and just general day to day stuff. Also am extremely blessed that Rhiannon has a teacher at her school who’s daughter is friends with Rhiannon and she is letting her stay there to study for exams  - her daughter is also ADD and on Ritalin. She is a blessing and I don’t know how to begin thanking her. My daughter sounds very happy there even though she obviously is missing me.

I am due to get out of hospital on Tuesday – hopefully I will be if not totally  pain-free at least able to function and the pain will be under control.

I have been having really dark thoughts about everyone who is healthy. I am jealous, angry, having small tantrums in my head at all the ‘shiny, happy people’ especially on Facebook who’s lives seem to be but a dream but rationally I know I cannot compare myself to them. Some friends have been supportive, some have disappeared completely, which I am angry about but I cannot tell what I would have done if the situation was reversed. Some people know what to say and others are completely tactless. That’s just the way it is I guess. Hopefully there is light at the end of this very dark tunnel and maybe the saying that it’s always darkest just before the dawn will ring true in my case. I really hope and pray so. 


  1. Dear Bee,

    I want to take this pain from you, so desperately and for good.

    I hope with you that this is the end of the tunnel coming, just before it turns into a blaze of sunshine.

    Love you, so much X

  2. My sweetheart Llama B! You are a brave woman, and I am in awe of how strong you have been on this journey. Yes it is tough now, but I am sending you so much love that the pain will no longer exist. I am ashamed to say that I am one of those friends that have not even come to see you, but I want you to know that you have always been in my thoughts and prayers. I love you Llama Barbie, to the ends of the earth and back. Stay strong, stay beautiful in your heart and know that you are always on my mind.

  3. Hi Bee, what a nightmare! Thinking about you and sending blissful get better soon energy. Big hug and much love. Richelle XX