Six days to go before my first chemo session and I am a
bundle of nerves. Last night I hit an all-time low on the emotion scale and
could not stop crying. I am learning to be ok with the crying – to be with the
sadness and not shrink from it. That way maybe I can let it go. My mom is here
for a few days helping me out with my daughter and quite honestly I don’t know
what I would have done without her. Sometimes you can’t prepare yourself for
the level of helplessness that you feel. The last two days were like that. I
was incapable of thinking or doing for myself so mom stepped in. God bless her
cotton socks. Today I felt stronger and actually went to work. The doctor (Dr. Handsome)
has recommended a pain patch (similar to morphine but not morphine). They are
hellishly expensive so not a drug habit I can afford to upkeep for a long time.
They’re slow release and you wear the patch for 2 to 3 days. I can already feel
an unclenching in my muscles so that’s a good sign. The pain that I was
experiencing was in my abdominal area and on a level of about 7 out of 10
although not constant, it would come and go. So on we go – it is a daily choice
that I have to make – how shall I feel today and not always under my control.
But I feel that I am getting better at it. One day and one step at a time – I am
determined to fight this with all that I have and win!
It's your honesty that is so touching here and it seems you are well on your way to coming to terms with how you feel....It's a good step...Glad your moms their to help you. takes the pressure off a little....Honestly that feeling you are feeling of loneliness disappears as soon as you find yourself a support group of people with cancer.....They become like your soul sisters and words are not necessary for understanding they just know....wishing you all the luck for your journey....You will surprise even yourself....I can hear your inner strength already showing itself from within....xxxx
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