Pre Birthday Musings

So I here I sit on the eve of my (number deleted to protect the innocent) birthday. Reflecting on the past year and wondering about the foreseeable future. Quite a bit has changed. Last year this time I was living in Kenridge with my then boyfriend. I was employed as a project manager. I had been in the northern suburbs of Cape Town for nearly ten years and most importantly I was in remission from cancer, not just my first but my second remission. Was I happy? I think I was. Did I appreciate all I had? Probably not.

On the night of my birthday last year things fell apart spectacularly with aforementioned boyfriend at a birthday celebration for both of us. We ended up having such a massive fight that even our friends decided to part company for fear of being caught in the crossfire. When we returned home, he continued to rant while I calmly locked myself and my daughter in my bedroom. A few days after this, I discovered he’d been lying to me about a lot of things and he moved out. It was horrible. Hurtful, messy, childish and just plain ugly. He left without any explanation, closure or words of apology. I am ashamed to admit I hounded him for a bit afterward as all I wanted was closure and to know if it had ALL been a lie. Looking back now I realize he was incapable of telling the truth so I was expecting the impossible from an emotionally immature person. He left me emotionally and financially drained. My trust in men and human beings in general was at an all time low. 

Just prior to this I had a scare with a kidney infection. This caused a chain reaction of a battery of tests that I had to endure. Tests to confirm whether or not this was cancer related. Needless to say I was petrified. Having had cancer not once but twice, a hysterectomy and radiation, I was not prepared to go through this particular horror once again. At the same time the ex left, I had just come out of hospital for a kidney stent operation. This was due to damage caused by the radiation previously. The test to show the awful truth that yes I did in fact have cancer for a third time was only done in February this year. So last time this year, aside from being mildly and understandably paranoid, I was oblivious to this fact.

Cut to the present. Tomorrow night I will be surrounded by family and friends for yet another birthday dinner. Tonight however I am alone. My daughter is at her dad’s for the weekend. We have moved to the southern suburbs. My cancer is… hmm I am not sure really. I've been in an out of hospital for infections and operations, the last one being about 3 weeks ago. I have been on alternate medication for a few months now as chemo (the one dose I had) did not agree with me to put it mildly. To put it honestly it nearly killed me. I am single by choice as I have no place in my life right now for anything other than my health and my daughter. I am no longer working as my contract was terminated due to ill health. I will be having a scan soon to ascertain whether the regimen I am on is working or not. A positive result would be my best birthday present ever. Life a year down the line is very different to what it was. I no longer drink, in fact it’s been about 6 months since I have had a glass of wine. Ongoing sobriety is a challenge but the clarity it provides is priceless.

So, tomorrow night Queen Bee shall be in da house. Tonight it’s just me and my grapetiser but strangely I am happy with that for now. Solitude has its own upside and is definitely worlds better than being lonely in a relationship with the wrong person. I am stronger and better than before and to quote a mantra I’ve been using: Every day in every way I’m getting better and better!