Hair today, gone tomorrow

Right, so the cavalry have packed up and headed home for a brief spell last night. It was awesome to have my mom around as this week has been unpredictable with regard to pain. Some days really bad and others no pain at all. I am continuing with the Rife treatments in order to build my immune system in preparation for chemo. Mom was a blessing helping out with the household chores and looking after Rhiannon.

In the meantime, I have had another session with the German therapist which brought up a lot of pent up anger and unspoken, forgotten emotions relating to past relationships. The release was huge and came in the form of much pain and depression, lots of crying. The release itself was not fun, but the feeling after was indescribably lovely.

I’ve also been given the go-ahead for chemo. My first treatment on is scheduled for 2 April just after the long Easter weekend. I am apprehensive but not nervous. I still see this as yet another tool on my road to recovery. If I look at it any other way I will defeat the object.

On the whole, I have been feeling what I can only describe as grateful. A lot of things are coming together in my life and seem to be making a lot more sense. I wake up each day with a background feeling of excitement that this is a new day with a new challenge and one day / step closer to perfect health.

I have chopped most (not all) of my hair off in preparation for chemo. I now have a short bob after 11 years of having very long hair. It’s a huge change but it feels great, like a huge weight has lifted off me. When my hair eventually falls out, I will invest in wigs and plan to have lots of fun with those. The reaction to my new hair has been awesome. 

Everyone thinks it looks cool so that’s also added to my general sense of well-being. In short, things are good right now. I am relaxing on the long Easter weekend with friends and family. Tuesday looms but no longer with the sense of dread or horror which I previously felt towards chemo. I will keep you all updated. 

Get by with a little help...

I have been taking some time out from writing to process a few things. The stages of grief or loss which we go through definitely are happening with me but I seem to find myself stuck on repeat on some of the stages. Today grief has attacked me big time. It’s not that anything is different -  it’s just a processing of emotions I guess. I have been doing quite a lot of work on emotional healing and release so maybe this is part of that process too. Whatever the cause, I have been feeling spectacularly crappy. So today I called in the cavalry – my dear parents who will stay with me for a little while to help. My pain levels have also increased so I need to get stronger pain meds from the pharmacy today. Dear Dr. Handsome has already sent the script through to them.

My chemo treatment has not yet started but I received a notification from the medical aid to say that 2 cycles are approved and then to re-assess before the 3^rd. I have no idea what this means, so am trying to get hold of the oncologist to shed some light on this. While I am not looking forward to doing chemo, I am also tired of being stuck in this nowhere holding pattern.

To update you on the sonar scan I had a little while ago, the findings were that there is a 6cm mass in the pelvic area. They can see no spreading though and could not determine whether it is encroaching on the bladder or not. They were unable to measure against the previous scan as no measurement was taken initially. The good news from that whole hullaballoo is no spreading, so we focus on the positive and try and move forward.

As we speak, my dad is sweeping the yard outside and my mom has just brought me a sandwich for lunch. Love my dear parents, and like my sister says, maybe I need to learn to ask for help a little more. 

My Best Friend

When I was a very young girl of 10, I met an amazing person who was to become my very best friend in the whole entire world. I had no idea of this at the time, just that we were buddies and got on really well. We met at primary school and our friendship continued into high school and transcended the fact that we went to different schools or moved to various places. After school we still kept touch but we had a bit of a rough patch in which we hated our respective boyfriends. That lasted for 7 years but we managed to rekindle our friendship and continue after that where we had left off.

My friend and I have weathered many storms. We have shared first loves, broken hearts, many nights agonizing over Mr Right, Mr Wrong and Mr In Between. We have laughed a lot and had so many good times I can’t even begin to tell you. Our friendship has a soundtrack – it’s the soundtrack of our lives and it follows us wherever we go. My friend is beyond being my sister – she and I truly are soul sisters. She is the most awesome person I have the privilege of knowing.

So on Friday when I was told the news that she had bone marrow cancer, I was not quite sure how to react. This is a road I don’t wish to share with anyone – not meaning that selfishly. I mean this is not a nice road, it’s interesting and awareness making, sure, but it’s not pleasant. So now my friend and I have one more thing to share, cancer.

I went to visit her in hospital on Saturday. She seems in good spirits and was very happy to see me. Her treatment will start on Monday and she will be hospitalized for a month. All of you out there who are rooting and praying for me, please do so for my friend as well. 

Some Good News

I know I have been a bit quiet of late and no it’s not due to falling off the planet or suicidal tendencies. Mostly I have been quite fine. I experienced quite bad pain the other day and am now supplementing my pain patches with pain tablets as per the doctor’s advice. On the upside, it looks like my bladder side effect is calming down and not as bad as it was.

On Sunday night, I had a family constellation therapy session with my friend in Germany over Skype. At one point in the conversation, he said he can’t detect the cancer anymore, that it’s gone. I was somewhat taken aback and confused but he was adamant saying he is hardly ever wrong. We agreed that I would go and do some tests and see what the doctors have to say about my condition based on that.

I then scheduled a sonar scan, a rife scan and a pap smear with three separate doctors for early in this week. Yesterday was the pap smear appointment. I realized while driving there that this was not going to show up any different due to the dead tissue inside me it would still show abnormal cells. I ended up chatting to my GP for 45 minutes as she was very interested to hear what I have been doing to try and treat the cancer. She has some books and CD’s she will be loaning me so that was good. At 6pm I went off to have the Rife scan. Previously I had done this on 18 February, so this is almost 1 month later. She started scanning me and looking slightly disbelieving. She then showed me the results. Overall system and organ function has improved by 51%. In the diseased area there is a 41% improvement rate. In my digestive and colon a 30% improvement since last scan. She looked at me and said that the usual rate of improvement in a month is average about 6 or 7%. This never happens. I told her what I had been doing and she was amazed.

She then gave me the Rife machine which she has programmed specifically for me. I will do 1 treatment a day on it and it will do various things such as support my immune system, take care of infection, manage pain as well as treat the cancer. As she said, things can only improve more now that I have the Rife machine at my disposal. She has given me a schedule to work with for a period of 1 month.

Tomorrow I have a sonar scan scheduled and then a follow-up with the oncologist to discuss the results on Tuesday. I want her to compare the last scan done on 5^th Feb to this one and see if there is any marked change.

I am in a weird mood. I feel like running up and down and jumping in some moments and then others my skeptic comes in and says no this can’t be happening. I truly DO believe I am on the right track to recovery and that all I have been doing thus far is right and is working! I just need to shut up my inner cynic and not listen to her! 

Healing Room

Today I woke up happy. Yes I am well aware of how crazy that sounds. I have not been waking up happy for quite a long time now so it IS a day to celebrate. There are a number of factors at play here one of them being my pain patch kicking in. One doesn’t realize the exhausting effects of constant pain until it is simply no longer there. Secondly, I think my happy pills (anti -depressants) kicked in on the same day (DOUBLE whammy bonus!)  I checked in the box and sure enough I am on day 12 so it should be around now they can start working.

Then unrelated to any physical explanation (and let me warn you I am going to sound loopy to some of you), I had an extremely weird experience last night as I slept / half dozed. I was in a half dream, half sleep state and I could hear voices chattering, one being my own but many others. I was aware my eyes were shut and the chattering was about me and my situation. As the talking continued, I had an overwhelming sense of release and lift as though the talking was doing healing work. The feeling that came over me was warm and very happy, in fact I think I woke up grinning. So, I have NO rational explanation for that aside from the emotional / spiritual healing I have been doing. Something changed, was shifted big time last night and it felt amazing. My one therapist puts it down to my own healing power working along with my guides. Whatever it is, I feel marvelous and a LOT more positive than I have in weeks!

I am reminded of a song by (Sinéad O'Connor) - the Healing Room

I have a universe inside me 
Where I can go and spirit guides me 
There I can ask oh any question 
I get the answers if I listen 
I have a healing room inside me 
The loving healers there they feed me 
They make me happy with their laughter 
They kiss and tell me I'm their daughter 

Pre Chemo Emo

Six days to go before my first chemo session and I am a bundle of nerves. Last night I hit an all-time low on the emotion scale and could not stop crying. I am learning to be ok with the crying – to be with the sadness and not shrink from it. That way maybe I can let it go. My mom is here for a few days helping me out with my daughter and quite honestly I don’t know what I would have done without her. Sometimes you can’t prepare yourself for the level of helplessness that you feel. The last two days were like that. I was incapable of thinking or doing for myself so mom stepped in. God bless her cotton socks. Today I felt stronger and actually went to work. The doctor (Dr. Handsome) has recommended a pain patch (similar to morphine but not morphine). They are hellishly expensive so not a drug habit I can afford to upkeep for a long time. They’re slow release and you wear the patch for 2 to 3 days. I can already feel an unclenching in my muscles so that’s a good sign. The pain that I was experiencing was in my abdominal area and on a level of about 7 out of 10 although not constant, it would come and go. So on we go – it is a daily choice that I have to make – how shall I feel today and not always under my control. But I feel that I am getting better at it. One day and one step at a time – I am determined to fight this with all that I have and win! 

Silence

It’s been a particularly difficult last few days, hence I’ve been rather quiet on the blogging front. I have been in pain as well as emotional distress. I think all the treatments I have been doing have highlighted issues that I need to deal with and this is causing the sadness. In addition to that my happy pills are not yet kicking in – think they’re inhibiting serotonin at the moment which could also account for my bleak state.

I have had wonderful support from friends and family. Thanks to all of you – you know who you are. I still can’t shake a feeling of loneliness though, that no matter how many people I talk to or are there for me, that ultimately I have to do this alone. That’s a scary thought. I’ve been having lots of scary thoughts lately which I guess is also part of the process.

I start with the chemo treatment on 12^th March and will keep you all posted on how that goes. I am nervous as hell about it but this too shall pass I hope.